How to stop nagging and start LOVING

It’s pretty cool when you switch from making lists in your head about what you DON’T like about your partner (incessantly – as if somehow this list would change things) to non-stop thinking about how many AMAZING things your partner is doing (which will actually change things!).

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A culture with no punishment – beautiful results

cultureI’m reading a book that studies native cultures, honors elders and discovers the key to longevity.This excerpt is profound to me because it shows what our entire culture could look like if everyone took our parenting class. We teach discipline with no punishment, no shaming, no scorn, no disrespect.

Look at the results that happen in a culture that does this with every child. It’s beautiful. And amazing. No rape. No domestic abuse. Long life.

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Pay Attention to Me! How the Baltimore riots are a form of inappropriate attention seeking behavior.

bmore The Baltimore riots stem from inappropriate attention seeking behavior.

In my parenting class, I teach about inappropriate behavior seeking in children. Since all children grow up into adults, and many of them have unfulfilled needs as children, they go through life trying to fill these needs, repeating patterns that “worked” in childhood.

In other words, we are all just 2-year-olds in grown up bodies.

How we learned to get attention as children, is how we will continue to get attention as adults.

For instance, the basic inappropriate attention seeking behavior is referred to as “undue attention,” where the child performs or annoys the parent (“mommy, mommy, mommy, look, mommy, mommy) until the parent caves and gives the child attention, which is usually negative attention, such as “why don’t you go do something else?” Or “stop bothering me.” We all know how this escalates… Since the child gets this attention, although it’s negative it’s attention nonetheless, the child continues the annoying behavior to get “more” attention. This escalates into what we know as a power struggle.

“No I won’t and you can’t make me!” may be the reaction to “go do something else.” At this point, a power struggle has begun. 2 people, taking positions, being right, and proving their point, locked, and engaged. This is a form of attention.

I’ll explain how that could be attention seeking. Think of arm wrestling. Imagine you are getting ready to am wrestle your mom or dad. What’s the first emotion that comes to mind (after the thought “I’m gonna win”). Usually, we smile. Because fighting is fun. Think of the mothers who are always yelling, “boys, cut it out!” Why? Because someone is going to get… That’s right, hurt. When we are locked in power struggle, it’s fun until someone wins (and this is a temporary win) and someone gets hurt. The reason it’s a temporary win, is because what then happens to the person who is hurt? What do they do next? How do they respond? They haven’t gotten the attention they want from power struggle. They thought they were getting attention but they just got hurt. What do we do to people when we get hurt? That’s right. We hurt back.

Revenge is the next form of inappropriate attention seeking behavior. Revenge is, “you hurt me, so I’ll hurt you.” This is when we have teenagers rebelling by doing the opposite of what we want. If we want them to be clean cut, they wear goth/black, they scream “I hate you mommy!” etc… They’ll do revenge a number of different ways, and sometimes, they’ll hurt themselves to hurt us, like drugs and alcohol for instance. They know that will hurt us the most, to “get back” or “get even” and what we’ve taught them is a pattern of hurting themselves that they will take into adulthood.

After a child has unsuccessfully gotten a parents attention with these three previous ways, they actually give up on themselves, and believe they are incapable of getting attention because they don’t matter. This final stage is called perceived inadequacy, where the child just simply no longer performs. Anything. They can’t tie their shoe (they know you’ll do it). This is the kid you are begging and pitying. And you end up taking care of all their duties because you actually believe they can’t do it either. And the more you do, the less they do, and the more they believe they can’t do, so the more you do. This is also a form of attention seeking. They’re getting you to be with them, but it’s at a devastating cost. In the end, they actually believe that they can not do it.

Now fast forward into adulthood. The inappropriate attention seeker becomes the drama queen, the person who talks to much, the annoying people.

The power struggle people end up fighting all the time. Positioned. Being righteous about everything and superior. Thinking they have all the answers.

The revenge people are disconnected. They always look mad. They think people are out to get them. They don’t trust. Existing like his can be exhausting, and these people sometimes commit suicide or do drug to get back at people they love.

The inadequate attention seeking people end up depressed, feel not good enough or smart enough, don’t think they can do it, and are sometimes suicidal. They actually believe that they don’t matter.

Now let’s take it to a community/global/cultural level. If the “white man” is the parent, and the native people and minorities are the children, this becomes an interesting perspective on what’s happening in the world today. Minorities are people with rights and needs, just like the child in the previous discussion. And the white man, government, majority, etc… has a history of not meeting these needs.

Originally, the minority asks to be seen, heard, validated, and the response is that try are annoying. Power struggle happens in the form of war.

We all know who wins. Decades and centuries of losing “battles” of all kinds, results in revenge. The minorities decide that they’ve had enough, and they fight back.

When they can’t win, no matter the odds, they get despondent, depressed, unmotivated. And the ghetto or reservation is created. The government, and people who care, realize the minority culture needs to be taken care of, but it’s too late. As a culture, they believe they are not worthy. So the white majority pays the bills, literally takes care of them. We see them go through all the cycles. We see the Native American culture using drugs and alcohol to cope, and submitting, allowing white man to take care of them. Feeling completely powerless, like their culture doesn’t matter, they collectively pass down to not rebel. The only way to cope is to disconnect.

This is what’s happening in Baltimore. Riots are revenge. Riots are a form of saying we collectively feel like we don’t matter. We are hurting you (collectively) back for hurting us. Like teenagers (and many of the participants are), running amok trying to do something to prove that they matter. Willing to hurt and destroy all they love and care about to just simply get some attention. Like the teenager that does drugs to hurt “mom” – they sacrifice their town, their home, their fellow people, to hurt back and say, pay attention to me.

With this knowledge, we are left with a decision to make. In my parenting classes, we talk about re-parenting and re-establishing the relationship with our kids. When they feel like they matter, their needs are met, and we give them what they need, they behave. We win-win negotiate with them. There are logical and natural consequences to their unwanted and bad behavior. Self-efficacy is reestablished. We have a choice. The majority can continue to oppress and emotionally genocide the minority, or we can make some different choices that empower and internally motivate people and build trust.

We are all at choice here. What will you choose?

Check out B-morepeace.com for more insightful information about the Baltimore Riots and ways to contribute and stand together and show our support to help Baltimore get back to being “The Charm City”. That is why B-More Peace was created.

How to really take Charge of your day, and stop getting distracted!

distract
Imagine every morning, and every evening, taking just a few minutes of time to yourself.

When I talk to my coaching clients, who are busy moms and tired out working people, I find that we keep ourselves so BUSY. In this age of electronics, where we thought that we would be making our lives simpler, we discover that we are more STRESSED out and anxious than ever before! Why is this?

I don’t know about you, but I find myself, from the first moment of the day, to the last, on my phone, checking my e-mail, reading facebook etc. I take work EVERYWHERE with me, and, as a healer it was time for something to shift.

Someone told me to wake up and hour early and do what I’m best at for that hour…

Hmmmmmm… What could I do? I couldn’t write music, I’d wake the household. Maybe I could brainstorm for my coaching business? Maybe I could write poetry? Maybe I could write out some handouts for my massage clients? But none of that would come that early in the morning, I was too tired maybe, or just not inspired.

I ended up reading a document for a friend about meditation, and how healers, coaches and speakers don’t take time for themselves, so I decided to start meditating at sunrise.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I didn’t just start meditating. I’ve been meditating since I was 16 years old (that’s over 20 years of you who are wondering what that could mean, since I’m so YOUNG-looking ;-). But, there have been dry spots in my life, where I just wasn’t focused enough, or taking enough care of myself, or to put it straight and simply, just plain self-sabbotaging.

When I take time to meditate, I channel, I get connected with Great Spirit, with God, with Jesus, with all of the masters from the past and the future, in that space where I can see everything, and I know everything, and realize that what I think “my life” is, is really just something I created out of nothing.

When I meditate, I get to be QUIET, and just listen. And if you’ve met me, you’re aware I like to be the one talking.

And, in the quiet, in the NO-THING-NESS, there is peace, there is purpose. There is power and intention. There is everything in the universe accessible to us. There are other people’s thoughts. There is vibration. There is the dissection of the tiny molecules in our bodies that are reproducing, and healing can take place in the NO-THING-NESS. This is what I teach my coaching clients! I teach them to find their innate power, their innate purpose, their innate voice.

I’m like the Cobbler with no shoes.

Well, it was time to make shoes.

So I started a Sunrise and a Sunset Meditation. I’m not perfect about it. But I love it. I love the idea of starting my day speaking into my unlimited power and potential. I get to create whatever I want with the day. I get to create peace and happiness, or grogginess and irritation. (I usually pick peace and happiness 😉 I get to RE-WRITE all that noise in my head. All of that TRASH TALK that gets me down, and tells me I’m not enough, not good enough, smart enough, or lovable enough. I get to speak into my greatness. I get to feel the first rays of light on my face. I get to be PART OF the CREATION of the day.

And at the end of the day, I get to relax into what I have created. I get to be present to what has occurred. I get to celebrate my successes with myself. I get to tap into the collective consciousness and see what is unbalanced,who is hurting, and what I get to shift tomorrow to balance that. (That’s what us healers think about – do you think about that too?). I get to be proud of myself, and acknowledge myself, and realize that I am enough.

It’s a beautiful and wonderful feeling. To be the one in charge of me. To really take control of those negative thoughts, and really start creating the life that I say I want.

I remember hearing a story of a golfer who went to jail for 8 years, and every day, he practiced his golf swing in his mind. He could see the ball going in the hole. And when he got out of jail, he had dramatically improved his golf score. Sorry, I don’t remember the data and specifics. I also remember hearing a friend of mine give me the same statistics for a basketball player who would imagine swooshing free-throws, and improving his game that way.

What we imagine, we create, it becomes reality. What are your thoughts creating?

If you are in an unhappy relationship, perhaps that’s what you want? Otherwise, how did you get there? And why are you still there? If you are unhappy in your job, maybe that’s what you want? If you keep losing your job, perhaps you are creating that?

Start with meditation. Start by creating your own reality. It’s amazing. Try it out.

Here’s a short video explaining a little more about what my intention is for the meditations. Check it out!

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