This blog is about how abuse, all kinds, is a form of abandonment and rejection. How that hurts the inner child. Patterns of behavior that are created in relationships, including addictions, and how it causes people to lose trust in others (and eventually themselves).
- Why do we FREAK OUT when our partner does something to trigger us?
- Why does it feel like the world is going to end when the person we love rejects us?
Abandonment is an interesting subject. Sometimes it’s hard to understand. If my parents were in the same room with me, helping me with my homework, and making me dinner, how could I have ever felt abandoned?Because abuse causes feelings of abandonment. Click To Tweet
Every kind of abuse is a form of abandonment.
Let me explain.
As a small child, I am not separate from YOU (whoever you are). The smaller/younger I am, the more connected to you I am. (I’ve spoken of this in other blog posts). We are energetic beings. When a baby is born, she is actually part of the mother. (Spiritually this is why labor is “hard.” It’s the first separation from “source”). After she is born, she slowly learns to distinguish herself from m/other, but this doesn’t fully happen until adolescence!
So, from age 0-6, the child is still very much a part of the mother energetically, and still learning differentiation.
So, without being yet fully formed (emotionally, mentally, energetically or physically), let’s say someone rapes the child.
Clearly in this horrible example, the fact that innocence has been stolen from the child is clear. The perpetrator, who is usually someone trusted, has stolen something from the child. They have emotionally and mentally abandoned the child. The child’s state of mind, emotion, or even body is of no care or concern to them. Although their physical body is “in the room” with the child, the child has been abandoned. I’m sure this example, harsh as it is, is extremely clear. No one will argue that raping a child is a form of abandoning the child.
But what about less obvious forms of abuse?
Some people still believe in corporal punishment of children. Many of my clients have been beaten, whipped, strapped down, burned, flogged with chains, and all kinds of things no one wants to talk about. Somehow, those parents thought that was the right thing to do, or they wouldn’t have done it.
But this, as well, is a form of abandonment. This is harder for parents who use physical force to understand, but using physical force with their children is about the parent not feeling power or control over the child, feeling shame about being a not good enough parent, and trying to get the child to “behave” the way the parent wants.
All of these statements are about what the parent wants.
And what the parent thinks is right.
These parents are not taking the time or presence to notice that their child is suffering in a way that is not recoverable.
When a parent hits a child, the child learns one lesson, every time: DON'T TRUST MY PARENT ANYMORE. Click To Tweet
They don’t learn not to run in the street, or not to talk during church, or to get better grades, or to be a better human being. They learn that their parent is an ASSHOLE who hurts them.
This is abandonment from the perspective of the child.
And to make it worse, the parent then adds in crazy-ass statements like, “This is for your own good,” or “I’m doing this because it’s best for you/ God told me to.” This is doubly confusing for the child, because their body and mind is telling them to GTFO/RUN! And the supposed person that “loves” and “takes care” of them is saying it’s best for them, while hurting them.
This begins a pattern of abuse that looks like this:
- Love hurts
- Love sucks
- People who love you leave/hurt you
- You can’t trust the people you love
- Hide your feelings
- Never show your weakness
- Be perfect all the time
- Disconnect around people you care about
The list goes on… you can add your own observations of these patterns of thinking in the comments.
Even less obvious is the verbal and mental abuse. This could be a whole blog post in itself, but for the sake of example:
A father takes his daughter to the store and says pick out a guitar. I know you love to play and need one for your classes. I’ll buy you one for your birthday! And then the birthday comes, the daughter doesn’t get a guitar, and the father says, “I never said I would buy you a guitar.”
This is abuse. It’s called gaslighting. And it is abandonment. On that birthday, that little girl is abandoned by her no show father, who is in the room.
Even criticism is abusive. This seems to be a challenging concept. Unsolicited feedback is always criticism. If someone doesn’t want your feedback, you are intruding on their sense of self. Even if you are the parent.
Parents will say, “If I don’t teach him, who will!?”
Life will. I promise.
And, there is a way to have conversations with your kids about them doing what’s important in life without telling them they’re bad/wrong or doing it wrong.
Why do people think that telling someone what their doing wrong all the time is going to make them do something right?
Many parents who think like this are impatient. They aren’t willing to take the time to show their children what TO DO, and instead humiliate, hurt or berate the child.
This is a form of abandonment.
WHY DOES ABANDONMENT MATTER?
I heard some research (sorry I can’t remember where) that mentioned that rejection is just as painful as having your arm cut off! Evidently, they studied the response in the brain, and it was similar (I can’t imagine a research project where people allowed their arms to be cut off … so who knows). But evidently, it’s just as painful.Abandonment is a form of rejection. Click To Tweet
So, in all of those instances above, the children felt the same kind of pain as losing a piece of the body.
And some experienced it every day. Week after week, month after month, for years and years.
That’s a lot to reprogram.
So the program ends up being FIGHT/PROTECT OR BE EATEN.
Children who have experienced these different forms of abuse learn that others cannot be trusted, and either live their lives fighting, shutting down, or trying to prove they matter.
In the fighting category, you’ll get lawyers, police officers, WWF fighters, military, body builders, etc (you get the point)
Shutting down category you get depression, multiple personalities or disassociation, introverts and people who work alone, from home, and avoid others.
The ones trying to prove they matter are doctors, lawyers, public speakers, people in the social sciences, actors, performers, who usually have social anxiety and anxiety.
These are broad generalizations and of course, someone could be all three. Like, it could be a lawyer who gets depression. Or it could be a fighter with NIKE advertising, or a performer with social anxiety … they aren’t separate … they just happen. And happen for everyone differently.
So, what do overachiever, perfectionist, people pleasing, numbing, fighters do?
They have to escape the fucking pain of rejection, rejection, rejection…
Not good enough, not good enough, not good enough…
Sometimes, it’s the bottle or drugs … sometimes its other human beings because they’re so desperate for love
Sometimes it’s workaholism … do do do doing to avoid being present to all that pain.
And … eventually, the pain is numb and the behavior becomes a habit.
And they don’t even know they’re doing it.
And they end up being the parent who does the same thing to their kid. Feeling the guilt and shame, and trying to make the kid behave, because their own PERSONAL ABANDONMENT AND REJECTION OF THE SELF just hurts too bad. Much easier to put it on someone else.
They have clearly already lost trust in the parental and authority figures that were supposed to build them up and make them feel whole.
So, they walk around with a big, gaping hole. Wanting it to be filled with SOMETHING…
Thinking they need a parent or a partner/lover…
Filling the hole with addictions … food, alcohol, sex, gambling, whatever it takes …
But what they really need are the pieces of themselves that were abandoned and rejected by the people that mattered to them the most.
I’m not here to blame parents.
I’m here to wake people the fuck up.
If you recognize yourself somewhere in this, just get real with yourself right now and say, “oh shit.”
And then, that’s it. Because enough people have beat you up. Don’t you dare beat yourself up about this. Just get help. For yourself. For your spouse. For your kids. For the world. Whatever matters to you. Do it for that.
I get it. I’ve been there. I remember doing some inner child work where I was left at the country club at 8 years old all day to watch my sister. From a parent’s view, everything was fine. There were people there to take care of us.
But from my perspective, I was fucked, abandoned, alone and sacred. I felt so helpless and alone. Terror.
But I couldn’t say that. I would try to express it and I’d be told grow up. Your little sister will take care of you then. She’s less scared than you. If she can do it, you can do it.
From outside, we lived a country club lifestyle! My parents helped with homework and drove us to activities and made us dinner.
But plenty of verbal, emotional, and mental abuse happened in the house. A lot of criticism, a lot of not enough, that was passed down and was generational. There were different kinds of addictions for both of my parents, and emotional lack of sobriety. It was unsafe.
(Thank God my parents are learning now to be more personally responsible and aware. I’m very blessed!)
I learned to be a perfectionist, anxiety ridden, fuck-you-guys-I-got-this warrior. My partners and everyone else thought I was more manly than feminine. I learned to be tough. I learned to win. I learned to protect myself at all costs. I learned never back down and never let them see you weak.
And then, I had trouble in my marriage, thank God, and got a lot of therapy and personal development and learned to let go of most of that! I am a personal testimony to what I coach on and teach. My master’s in mental health, specialist in Marriage and family, and hypnosis certification couldn’t have taught me all that I learned by looking at my own crap. Sometimes I can’t believe how far I’ve come and how much I’ve grown.
So, if it’s you, dont worry, you can let go too. All of this CAN be different. It just takes dedication and loving yourself… which I teach, so you’re all set if you come work with me.
If not, I wish you luck on your journey, and please feel free to share your thoughts and feeling in the comments!
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Over the years, I have been a serial learner and practitioner, taking in information about psychology, religion, spirituality, science, medicine, quantum physics, relationships, parenting, and overall, general happiness and work-life balance. I’ve been fascinated in what it takes to and have created my life of pure joy, happiness, balance and peace. It is my mission to spread what I have learned and practiced to you in ways that are simple, easy to understand AND implement. I have served people in achieving realignment in their bodies, relationships and purpose for over 20 years. If you liked this article about how to get sex right now, and you want to read more, please visit one of the links below:
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