Boundaries in Relationship: How to Set Boundaries in a Relationship? Keeping your side of the street clean – feeling guilt and holding boundaries for OURSELVES!!
Do Your Shoulders Hurt From Carrying Around All That Stress?
Are you worrying about other people’s problems that you just cannot solve?
It’s exhausting
Try this really quickly. Just.
⚡ Breathe ⚡
In the nose for 4. Hold for a moment. Out the mouth for 8 or more.
Nice.
Do it again.
Feel your body. Feel your tension. See what you can let go of…
Again.
Breathe.
And out…
You were holding that.
Eww
That sucks, eh?
How long were you holding that?
Better yet, WHY were you holding that??
“Boundaries With Ourselves”
Let’s address BOUNDARIES with OURSELVES today. Much of the literature is about how to set boundaries with other people, and I find my clients (and am watching my friends and family) struggle to set boundaries and follow through. We struggle to set boundaries with others because we don’t set them with OURSELVES first.
Ruminating thoughts about others is a drug.
Our mind can go WILD when we don’t control it.
What if you just said, “Shhh!! 🤫” To your mind when it starts?
Or what if you TOOK ACTION instead of thinking?
For example, if you’re having ruminating thoughts about a family member, pick up the phone and call your mom,or brother, or beloved, and tell them you love them. But that’s all. Don’t tell them your opinions and judgment that they don’t want to hear. That they didn’t ask for. They aren’t moving through their lives, thinking about all the things they’re doing wrong. So… Why do we do that?? 🤔
The drug we get addicted to is trying to solve other people’s problems.
It’s called codependency. It’s usually formed in a relationship with an addict. It often comes from our relationships in childhood.
Gabor Mate says something like, “Childhood trauma isn’t what happened TO us, it’s what didn’t happen FOR us.“
Many many many of us didn’t get the love, time, or attention that we needed. We learned to calculate everyone else’s moves to get our needs met. Then we learned to spend our days calculating others moves. So we could figure out where to fit ourselves in.
The problem is, it never stopped. We are still calculating as adults. We are still ruminating. We are still feeling guilty for not making the environment perfect for others. (Others who were intoxicated, or distracted, or abusive, or trauma causing, or narcissist or mental health challenged).
Other people’s messy lives ARE NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
[The only other humans you are 100% responsible for are the ones that you created who are under the age of 6, and then you are legally responsible for the ones under 18. (At 6, children can start having a lot of their own responsibilities – in a healthy, empowering, self-sufficient way – not an “I’m the boss, you’re my child slave” way).]
- So what do we do about it?
- How do we stop hurting ourselves and carrying so much burden?
HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES IN RELATIONSHIP: GUIDE TO SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
1) It starts with YOU. You have to be able to set boundaries with yourself and respect yourself enough to take care of yourself. This doesn’t mean take a bath or get a manicure or a massage. It means saying the hard things to yourself like, “You don’t deserve to be treated like this, say something to that person who is treating you badly.” OR “No, don’t eat that brownie, it’s not on your diet plan. I love you and I’m trying to take care of our health.” It’s easy to get a massage. It’s a lot harder to make yourself go to the gym every day, or figure out what your emotional needs are.
2) Stop ruminating. We have to gain control of our own thoughts. 95% of our thinking is automatic, and 65% of those are toxic or self-sabotaging. We need to learn how to stop them.
3) Love yourself enough to set BOUNDARIES with YOURSELF to stop caring about something you cannot control (like other people’s behavior). It’s so easy to look at someone else and see all the things they should change to make your life better. But what about all of the things you need to change to make your life better?
4) Stop judging other people’s lives as wrong. We do this because we are trying to control something that feels out of control. Want to know the best way to feel in control? Clean up your own life.
5) Do your inner child work with a trauma and relationship coach or therapist. My clients always come in wondering if this is actually going to work. Well, yes, it does. We have tremendous success with inner child work, subconscious reprogramming, bodywork (craniosacral) and parts work. The body doesn’t lie. We are all so disconnected from it, we need to figure out how to listen to it again. This is how we find ourselves again.
6) Put other people’s problems DOWN. Stop carrying that stuff, it’s exhausting!!
The boundaries I am talking about are between me and me. Learning to tell myself to stop thinking about something that is hurting me. (Even though I’m thinking about how to save or rescue someone else – or toxic behavior). It’s a way of taking responsibility for our own thinking. Which, of course, affects our feelings. Which, of course, affects what we are manifesting 😉
If you don’t know how to do this, get some help. It’s worth it for your mental and physical health!!
(I currently have availability 😉😜 but not for long 😊)
READ MORE FROM ME
Over the years, I have been a serial learner and practitioner, taking in information about psychology, religion, spirituality, science, medicine, quantum physics, relationships, parenting, and overall, general happiness and work-life balance. I’ve been fascinated in what it takes to and have created my life of pure joy, happiness, balance and peace. It is my mission to spread what I have learned and practiced to you in ways that are simple, easy to understand AND implement. I have served people in achieving realignment in their bodies, relationships and purpose for over 20 years. If you liked this article, and you want to read more, please visit one of the links below:
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Heather Hundhausen, a mind/body/spirit healer and facilitator, works with heart centered individuals who are ready to release their physical and emotional pain and reconnect their minds with their bodies so they can start living a life of passion and purpose. She assists people in making decisions in their lives by following their heart, mind, intuition and soul, from a place of being whole and in integrity.
With over fifteen years as a licensed massage therapist, Heather understands the connection between how someone's emotions can show up as physical pain. Using a variety of massage techniques, including neuromuscular therapy and structural realignment, she now does her ground breaking work by helping her clients to reach back through the pain and remember who they are to create wholeness and fullness.
During her years practicing traditional massage therapy, and while an intern working on her Masters Degree in Mental Health Counseling, she realized that people responded strongly when addressing their feelings and not just their thoughts. Working with this knowledge, she began to create an experiential environment for her clients, having them focus less on what they were thinking and more on what they were feeling. She discovered that when people began to release their emotions, they also released their physical pain. Heather is now passionate about helping people do just this so they hear their inner voice and then act upon their intuition so they create a new physical, mental and emotional life for themselves.
Heather’s authenticity, integrity, honor, commitment to her clients, and ability to create trust ensures that client's have a safe space to experience the exploration and release of their pain. Her clients say she is skilled at spiritual and emotional healing and is a great partner to have on the journey to contentment. As one particular client stated, “She opened my heart so the grief could emerge and then joy was able to fill that space.”
Heather is a popular speaker and workshop leader and facilitator, with one of her most popular workshops, “Connect on Purpose: Interpreting Your Body's Signals for Greater Wisdom and Empowerment” helping guide people to live their purpose, which Heather describes as “being able to take your talents and gifts and put them into action.” She is currently authoring a book and developing additional workshops, including a meditation group.
A licensed massage therapist, specializing in Thai Massage, Neuromuscular Therapy and Myo-skeletal Alignment Technique, she has a Masters Degree in Mental Health Counseling, is certified in Redirecting Children’s Behavior as a facilitator and coach.
