Communication Issues

Communication Issues

Clients come to me all the time saying they want “better communication.” 

Result of poor communication.Communication Issues

These are some times college graduates who can effectively communicate and make thousands of dollars in business. They aren’t having a problem “communicating.” They absolutely know how to communicate. So what’s the problem?

What “communication issues” usually actually means is:

  1. She doesn’t understand me, or know me
  2. He isn’t hearing what I’m saying
  3. I don’t feel like I matter to him
  4. She’s so emotional
The 1st reason we have trouble communicating with each other is SHAME.
The 2nd reason we have trouble communicating with each other is because we feel UNSAFE.
The 3rd reason is lack of emotional regulation, or having EMOTIONAL MATURITY or emotional intelligence.
The 4th reason is a lack of SELF-LOVE. We think the other person will take care of us.
1). If you haven’t dealt with your shadow, (your shame, your insecurities, your feelings of not being good enough, your need to be perfect and right, your need to win arguments, feeling like your partner is an idiot, being passive aggressive, hiding, ignoring, lying, pretending, people pleasing, codependency, manipulation, etc) then you will not have “effective communication.”
2). If you are unsafe: You blame. Criticize. Defend yourself. Gaslight (say one thing and then say or do another). Stonewall or Ignore or block off feelings. Abandon your person. Fight. Cut with words. Use past offenses to hurt each other. Do revenge. Sabotage. Have “bombs” in what should be the safe harbor -> you will have “communication problems.”
3). Emotional dysregulation, or emotional immaturity: Basically, this means, if you loose your 💩. Flooding: fight, flight, freeze, fawn (people please). You don’t have the tools to calm yourself down in the heat of the moment.
4) Lack of self love: When we don’t love ourselvSelf Love is the Keyes, we don’t know that we are worth standing up for ourselves, getting our needs met, asking for what we want, and setting boundaries.
Are you struggling with communication problems, effective communication, feeling safe with your partner, emotional maturity/intelligence, and setting boundaries with your partner?
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Expectations in Relationships: What are Unrealistic Expectations in Relationships?

Expectations in Relationships: What are Unrealistic Expectations in Relationships?

What is a good man?

What is a good woman?

I recently heard the song by Dax called “A Real Man,” whose lyrics say:

“Realest story ever told

Can’t have a man who’s making money always home

Heart like a truck, that’s why he’s always on thе road

Providing everything you need to live thе life you say you want

Can’t have a man who wears his heart on his sleeve

That won’t rip once a while at the seams

Especially when you never take the time to look into his eyes

And hear him when he silently screams.

Yeah, she said she wants a real man.”

What is “a real man”?

We think that a real man is someone who provides but doesn’t feel.

I asked my friend who sent me the song if he could relate. He said, “Yes, I think most women like to talk about how they want men to be more in touch with their emotions but actually still desire a strong protector.”

I asked, “Is it not possible to be a strong protector and have access to emotions and feelings?”

He said no. 😕 I strongly disagree.

What a predicament we are in. We truly are in a predicament. Men think they cannot provide and have feelings. Women think they want their men to have feelings but then don’t know how to hold space for it.

I coach many women who want their men to be more vulnerable, but when they are, when they cry and break down about the burden of providing being something that is too exhausting and too much, she is disgusted and walks away.

Men do silently scream.

They do have to protect themselves from their feelings. There is no one to show them to.

The suicide rate is 3-5 times higher in men than women in America since the 1950s. Therapy for men is still very taboo.

I’m a tantrika. I hold space for men to cry. I hold space for men to show their authentic, intimate feelings. Feelings of sadness, grief, and shame are taboo feelings for men in America.

One of my favorite clients ever was an extremely tough gym rat from Pennsylvania, huge, burly man’s man of a guy, full beard, worked the docks as a kid. He came to me and said he wanted Dan Peña to coach him and finally make him cry. I laughed. He didn’t need a man to yell at him and shame him. He needed the tender, safe space of a loving woman who didn’t judge him, or care that he had feelings. This man broke down crying in every single session for months. He still tells me how much he loved it and hated it. But it was truly an incredible experience for him to have a woman hold space for him like that.

These are some times college graduates who can effectively communicate and make thousands of dollars in business. They aren’t having a problem “communicating.” They absolutely know how to communicate. So what’s the problem?

Expectations in relationships: expectations are premeditated resentments:

I tell all my clients that expectations are premeditated resentments. You want to feel resentment towards someone? Then just expect something from them. Particularly, something you never informed them about. It’s completely unfair to think that someone can read your mind. That they will just “know you so well” that they can provide for you without telling them what you need! It’s preposterous. But people do it all the time.

Expectations of men in relationships: the mixed messages

1). Don’t have feelings

2). Be vulnerable and share your feelings

3). Be the provider

4). Don’t need to be taken care of

5). Let her mother you

6). Clean the house and share the burden

7). Be sexy, but also let her mother you 🤮

8). Share everything

9). Don’t share your fears

10). Let her own you

11). Be free

So many mixed messages. How can you think the man you’re taking care of like you’re his mother is sexy? How can he share his raw feelings about not wanting to provide, or the burden of carrying the desire to provide, especially when it’s not working for him, when he believes you need him to provide? He doesn’t want to let you down. But he’s suffering. So he turns to porn, or alcohol, or other things to numb the pain of not being able to provide, or share that he’s not ok.

Expectations of women in relationships: the mixed messages

1). Be soft and feminine

2). Handle everything, the kids schedules, the husbands schedules, the food, shopping, cooking, cleaning

3). Don’t be tired

4). Start a passive income business

5). Manage the money

6). Don’t control your man

7). Don’t let him control you

8). Let him have freedom

9). Stalk him so he doesn’t cheat

10). He should be strong

11). But not too strong

12). He should provide

13). Don’t nag him

14). If he doesn’t do it, do it yourself without nagging

15). Be sexy. So sexy. Even if you’re tired and there’s dishes

She’s exhausted. She’s trying to manage herself z her kids, her husband, her work, her aging parents, the family schedule, the homework, the house. There’s no time to feel sexy. She just needs to know she can trust her man and rely on him. But she can’t. He doesn’t do the small things. She nags him. He’s silently suffering because he’s afraid of hurting her by telling her his vulnerable truths.

They’re ships passing in the night. They’re missing it. They’re missing each other.

The lists go on and on…

Both genders are sent so many mixed messages. No one knows their roles or the rules to play by.

Having unspoken expectations in relationships can lead to so much hardship.

Each relationship is unique.

Don’t let an “authority” tell you what to do, or how to do your relationship with your partner! You and your partner get to figure it out together.

A good therapist or coach will hold space for the couple to learn to communicate effectively with each other (see post on effective communication).

Don’t listen to authorities try to convince you that there is a right or wrong way to be masculine, or feminine. That there are some kind of prescribed roles to play by.

There aren’t.

There is only what you and your partner decide together about your expectations in relationships!

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Understanding the Influence of Expectations in Relationships

Understanding the Influence of Expectations in Relationships

Expectations are premeditated resentments. Read that again. Expectations are premeditated resentments.

The Influence of Beliefs on Expectations

Expectations in relationships are often shaped by our belief system, which develops through repeated thoughts that solidify into concrete convictions.

If you were raised in a family where everyone drops everything to take care of the hurt, sick, injured, or victimized person, you’ll come to believe that rushing to help the injured is the right thing to do. 

On the other hand, if you were raised in a family that says, “suck it up, buttercup” when someone is hurt or acting like a victim, you’ll develop the belief that people should handle their own problems.

Free Couple Having A Misunderstanding Stock Photo

If you were rewarded as a child for running and helping others, it’s likely that you’ll have the inclination to do the same as an adult. However, if you were shunned or shamed for seeking attention and help, you may suppress your own needs, considering it wrong to ask for or offer assistance when someone is hurt.

The Impact of Unrealistic Expectations in Relationships

Now, imagine two adults, each shaped by their beliefs from childhood, entering into a relationship.

What happens when one of them gets hurt, sick, or acts like a victim?

The other person will likely exhibit behaviors opposite to the expectations of the injured individual. This conflicting response based on their beliefs leads to conflicts in the relationship.

For example, if the person who gets hurt expects their partner to come running because they were raised with immediate support, but the partner believes in the “suck it up” approach, conflict arises.

Identifying Unrealistic Expectations in Relationships

So, what makes an expectation unrealistic?

It’s anything you expect someone to do without communicating it to them directly. If you haven’t expressed your expectation through conversation, writing, or clear communication, how can they possibly know?

Additionally, knowing whether the other person has agreed to your beliefs is crucial.

If your partner usually adopts the “suck it up” mindset while you prefer support, unless you have a conversation where you express your beliefs and needs, they won’t know how to respond. By making agreements based on mutual understanding, expecting support becomes realistic.

Expectations are premeditated resentments. Read that again. Expectations are premeditated resentments.

The Influence of Beliefs on Expectations

Expectations in relationships are often shaped by our belief system, which develops through repeated thoughts that solidify into concrete convictions.

If you were raised in a family where everyone drops everything to take care of the hurt, sick, injured, or victimized person, you’ll come to believe that rushing to help the injured is the right thing to do. 

On the other hand, if you were raised in a family that says, “suck it up, buttercup” when someone is hurt or acting like a victim, you’ll develop the belief that people should handle their own problems.

Free Couple Having A Misunderstanding Stock Photo

If you were rewarded as a child for running and helping others, it’s likely that you’ll have the inclination to do the same as an adult. However, if you were shunned or shamed for seeking attention and help, you may suppress your own needs, considering it wrong to ask for or offer assistance when someone is hurt.

The Impact of Unrealistic Expectations in Relationships

Now, imagine two adults, each shaped by their beliefs from childhood, entering into a relationship.

What happens when one of them gets hurt, sick, or acts like a victim?

The other person will likely exhibit behaviors opposite to the expectations of the injured individual. This conflicting response based on their beliefs leads to conflicts in the relationship.

For example, if the person who gets hurt expects their partner to come running because they were raised with immediate support, but the partner believes in the “suck it up” approach, conflict arises.

Identifying Unrealistic Expectations in Relationships

So, what makes an expectation unrealistic?

It’s anything you expect someone to do without communicating it to them directly. If you haven’t expressed your expectation through conversation, writing, or clear communication, how can they possibly know?

Additionally, knowing whether the other person has agreed to your beliefs is crucial.

If your partner usually adopts the “suck it up” mindset while you prefer support, unless you have a conversation where you express your beliefs and needs, they won’t know how to respond. By making agreements based on mutual understanding, expecting support becomes realistic.

Fostering Healthy Relationships

So, how do you identify Unrealistic Expectations in Relationships?

Free Ornamental statuette in form of macaque reflecting differently in mirror on wooden table at home Stock Photo

The first step is recognizing that you’re operating from your own beliefs. Holding onto the belief that “you’re right” creates unrealistic expectations as it imposes your perspective onto others.

Any expectation that hasn’t been communicated, either verbally or in writing, is unrealistic. Without mutual agreement, assuming specific behavior from your partner is unfair.

It’s important to acknowledge that others may have different beliefs shaped by their own experiences. Cultivating empathy and open-mindedness allows for understanding and collaboration to meet each other’s needs.

In Conclusion

Understanding the influence of expectations in relationships is essential for nurturing strong and harmonious connections. By exploring the influence of beliefs, prioritizing clear communication, and fostering empathy, we can build stronger and more harmonious connections.

Fostering Healthy Relationships

So, how do you identify Unrealistic Expectations in Relationships?

Free Ornamental statuette in form of macaque reflecting differently in mirror on wooden table at home Stock Photo

The first step is recognizing that you’re operating from your own beliefs. Holding onto the belief that “you’re right” creates unrealistic expectations as it imposes your perspective onto others.

Any expectation that hasn’t been communicated, either verbally or in writing, is unrealistic. Without mutual agreement, assuming specific behavior from your partner is unfair.

It’s important to acknowledge that others may have different beliefs shaped by their own experiences. Cultivating empathy and open-mindedness allows for understanding and collaboration to meet each other’s needs.

In Conclusion

Understanding the influence of expectations in relationships is essential for nurturing strong and harmonious connections. By exploring the influence of beliefs, prioritizing clear communication, and fostering empathy, we can build stronger and more harmonious connections.

READ MORE FROM ME

Heather HundhausenOver the years, I have been a serial learner and practitioner, taking in information about psychology, religion, spirituality, science, medicine, quantum physics, relationships, parenting, and overall, general happiness and work-life balance.  I’ve been fascinated in what it takes to and have created my life of pure joy, happiness, balance and peace. It is my mission to spread what I have learned and practiced to you in ways that are simple, easy to understand AND implement.  I have served people in achieving realignment in their bodies, relationships and purpose for over 20 years.  If you liked this article, and you want to read more, please visit one of the links below:

Boundaries in Relationship: How to Set Boundaries in a Relationship

Boundaries in Relationship: How to Set Boundaries in a Relationship

Boundaries in Relationship: How to Set Boundaries in a Relationship? Keeping your side of the street clean – feeling guilt and holding boundaries for OURSELVES!!

Do Your Shoulders Hurt From Carrying Around All That Stress?

Free Depressed Asian woman in corner Stock PhotoAre you worrying about other people’s problems that you just cannot solve? 

It’s exhausting 

Try this really quickly. Just. 

⚡ Breathe ⚡

In the nose for 4. Hold for a moment. Out the mouth for 8 or more. 

Nice.

Do it again. 

Feel your body. Feel your tension.  See what you can let go of… 

Again. 

Breathe.

And out…

You were holding that. 

Eww

That sucks, eh?

How long were you holding that? 

Better yet, WHY were you holding that??

 

“Boundaries With Ourselves”

Let’s address BOUNDARIES with OURSELVES today.  Much of the literature is about how to set boundaries with other people, and I find my clients (and am watching my friends and family) struggle to set boundaries and follow through.  We struggle to set boundaries with others because we don’t set them with OURSELVES first.

Ruminating thoughts about others is a drug.

Our mind can go WILD when we don’t control it. 

What if you just said, “Shhh!! 🤫” To your mind when it starts?

Or what if you TOOK ACTION instead of thinking? 

 

For example, if you’re having ruminating thoughts about a family member, pick up the phone and call your mom,or brother, or beloved, and tell them you love them. But that’s all. Don’t tell them your opinions and judgment that they don’t want to hear. That they didn’t ask for. They aren’t moving through their lives, thinking about all the things they’re doing wrong. So… Why do we do that?? 🤔

The drug we get addicted to is trying to solve other people’s problems. 

It’s called codependency. It’s usually formed in a relationship with an addict. It often comes from our relationships in childhood. 

Gabor Mate says something like, “Childhood trauma isn’t what happened TO us, it’s what didn’t happen FOR us.

Many many many of us didn’t get the love, time, or attention that we needed. We learned to calculate everyone else’s moves to get our needs met. Then we learned to spend our days calculating others moves. So we could figure out where to fit ourselves in. 

The problem is, it never stopped. We are still calculating as adults. We are still ruminating. We are still feeling guilty for not making the environment perfect for others. (Others who were intoxicated, or distracted, or abusive, or trauma causing, or narcissist or mental health challenged). 

Other people’s messy lives ARE NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

[The only other humans you are 100% responsible for are the ones that you created who are under the age of 6, and then you are legally responsible for the ones under 18. (At 6, children can start having a lot of their own responsibilities – in a healthy, empowering, self-sufficient way – not an “I’m the boss, you’re my child slave” way).]

  • So what do we do about it? 
  • How do we stop hurting ourselves and carrying so much burden?

 

HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES IN RELATIONSHIP: GUIDE TO SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

1) It starts with YOU.  You have to be able to set boundaries with yourself and respect yourself enough to take care of yourself.  This doesn’t mean take a bath or get a manicure or a massage.  It means saying the hard things to yourself like, “You don’t deserve to be treated like this, say something to that person who is treating you badly.” OR “No, don’t eat that brownie, it’s not on your diet plan. I love you and I’m trying to take care of our health.” It’s easy to get a massage.  It’s a lot harder to make yourself go to the gym every day, or figure out what your emotional needs are.

2) Stop ruminating.  We have to gain control of our own thoughts. 95% of our thinking is automatic, and 65% of those are toxic or self-sabotaging.  We need to learn how to stop them.

3) Love yourself enough to set BOUNDARIES with YOURSELF to stop caring about something you cannot control (like other people’s behavior).  It’s so easy to look at someone else and see all the things they should change to make your life better. But what about all of the things you need to change to make your life better?

4) Stop judging other people’s lives as wrong. We do this because we are trying to control something that feels out of control.  Want to know the best way to feel in control? Clean up your own life. 

5) Do your inner child work with a trauma and relationship coach or therapist. My clients always come in wondering if this is actually going to work. Well, yes, it does. We have tremendous success with inner child work, subconscious reprogramming, bodywork (craniosacral) and parts work. The body doesn’t lie. We are all so disconnected from it, we need to figure out how to listen to it again. This is how we find ourselves again.

6) Put other people’s problems DOWN. Stop carrying that stuff, it’s exhausting!!

 

The boundaries I am talking about are between me and me. Learning to tell myself to stop thinking about something that is hurting me. (Even though I’m thinking about how to save or rescue someone else – or toxic behavior). It’s a way of taking responsibility for our own thinking. Which, of course, affects our feelings. Which, of course, affects what we are manifesting 😉

If you don’t know how to do this, get some help. It’s worth it for your mental and physical health!! 

(I currently have availability 😉😜 but not for long 😊)

READ MORE FROM ME

Heather HundhausenOver the years, I have been a serial learner and practitioner, taking in information about psychology, religion, spirituality, science, medicine, quantum physics, relationships, parenting, and overall, general happiness and work-life balance.  I’ve been fascinated in what it takes to and have created my life of pure joy, happiness, balance and peace. It is my mission to spread what I have learned and practiced to you in ways that are simple, easy to understand AND implement.  I have served people in achieving realignment in their bodies, relationships and purpose for over 20 years.  If you liked this article, and you want to read more, please visit one of the links below:

Living Pain Free: How to Move and Release Emotions

Living Pain Free: How to Move and Release Emotions

Do you want to be pain free?  We feel pain in all areas of our lives.  We feel physical pain, most frequently in our necks, backs, hips, joints and belly.  We feel emotional pain that shows up as anything from grief, sadness, anger and shame to anxiety and depression.  We feel mental pain in the form of abusive self talk or ruminating, incessant thoughts.  We feel spiritual pain, wondering where God is, what this is all about, why are we here and who am I?  Can you imagine relieving all of this pain inside of you?  My purpose is to hold people in their pain (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual) until it RELEASES.  The reason we suffer is because we HOLD our pain, instead of going into it and allowing it to move through us without resistance.

(more…)