Clients come to me all the time saying they want “better communication.” 

Result of poor communication.Communication Issues

These are some times college graduates who can effectively communicate and make thousands of dollars in business. They aren’t having a problem “communicating.” They absolutely know how to communicate. So what’s the problem?

What “communication issues” usually actually means is:

  1. She doesn’t understand me, or know me
  2. He isn’t hearing what I’m saying
  3. I don’t feel like I matter to him
  4. She’s so emotional
The 1st reason we have trouble communicating with each other is SHAME.
The 2nd reason we have trouble communicating with each other is because we feel UNSAFE.
The 3rd reason is lack of emotional regulation, or having EMOTIONAL MATURITY or emotional intelligence.
The 4th reason is a lack of SELF-LOVE. We think the other person will take care of us.
1). If you haven’t dealt with your shadow, (your shame, your insecurities, your feelings of not being good enough, your need to be perfect and right, your need to win arguments, feeling like your partner is an idiot, being passive aggressive, hiding, ignoring, lying, pretending, people pleasing, codependency, manipulation, etc) then you will not have “effective communication.”
2). If you are unsafe: You blame. Criticize. Defend yourself. Gaslight (say one thing and then say or do another). Stonewall or Ignore or block off feelings. Abandon your person. Fight. Cut with words. Use past offenses to hurt each other. Do revenge. Sabotage. Have “bombs” in what should be the safe harbor -> you will have “communication problems.”
3). Emotional dysregulation, or emotional immaturity: Basically, this means, if you loose your 💩. Flooding: fight, flight, freeze, fawn (people please). You don’t have the tools to calm yourself down in the heat of the moment.
4) Lack of self love: When we don’t love ourselvSelf Love is the Keyes, we don’t know that we are worth standing up for ourselves, getting our needs met, asking for what we want, and setting boundaries.
Are you struggling with communication problems, effective communication, feeling safe with your partner, emotional maturity/intelligence, and setting boundaries with your partner?
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