Are you brave enough to be seen with all your faults and flaws? Without being scared of being rejected? I recently read a post by my friend Jay Farrow about not having stage fright playing a character or in the courtroom, but being terrified to actually be seen. I related to his post SO much! Read more here on how to be seen and become brave enough to show your REAL YOU.
I have performed so many “lead” performances in musicals… Anna in the King and I, Sarah in Guys and Dolls, Fiona in Brigadoon… I’ve performed solos, in Carnegie Hall, in National children’s choirs, hand selected, 16 person, 8- part classical ensembles, jazz choirs, piano recitals, I lead my own personal development workshops on relationships and parenting. I’m not telling you this to toot my own horn.
How to Be Seen and Loved for Who You Really Are
I actually don’t love sharing that I did all of that, because I gave up on singing and performing and I feel regret about that. But being on stage!? I love it. It’s easy. Being in front of people. Entertaining others. Owning the spotlight. Karaoke, dancing in bars… No alcohol needed. I love it! Why? Same as my friend Jay. I’m playing a role. I’m immersed in a CHARACTER. I am not “me.” I am literally someone else … Another creation.
Singing In Front of 500 People Naked …
But be me? No fucking way. That was terrifying. I’ve done a couple of personal development courses that REALLY required me to stretch. One, I had to tell stand up jokes that I had 5 minutes to prepare. Fuck. I’m not funny or witty (I thought) and was TERRIFIED to fail! But I did it. And I didn’t die.
Another time, I chose to sing a Capella in my UNDERWEAR in front of 500 people who knew me in a course. They weren’t strangers. We were in that room for 5, 16+hour days. I cried through the whole song because my personal stretch wasn’t to sing or be naked, it was TO BE SEEN. It was HORRIBLE. But I didn’t die.
Not Feeling Being Worth of Love and Attention
I also remember yet a different course where I WANTED the attention of the instructor but once I got it I froze and wanted to run. Why? Probably because I wanted love and attention but didn’t actually think I was “worth” it and definitely didn’t want to actually be seen (and I knew this instructor could clearly see me).
I related to his post so much. We can all relate to the TERROR of being vulnerable.
How to Be Seen With All Your Faults and Flaws
FAULTS. FLAWS. RAW. Scary but Worth it.
I remember getting into a loving relationship and I let this person REALLY see me and I WAS LOVED?! I thought it was so weird. I wondered if he was a crazy psychopath. I used to ask him if he was going to chop me up into tiny pieces and bury me in the woods. I thought he must be a sociopath to love me and be so kind to the real me while I was being the REAL, RAW ME.
It was so hard for me. I was so used to being perfect! I even had a shirt I proudly wore that said OVERACHIEVER in glitter. He would get so mad when I wasn’t actually ME. He would tell me “stop wrapping yourself up like a perfect fucking package!” I didn’t understand it. Why would someone want someone messy?
But eventually… It got easier to be messy, to be real.
Feeling Like a Fucking Mess
There are still days I hate myself so much inside that I can’t stand to come “out” from under the sheets (how could someone love that girl?) … But I’ve learned that I’m really only “ugly” (on those days) to me. I have learned that the men I date (and quite frankly, anyone else that I let REALLY see me) find my BIG FUCKING MESS (that’s what I see) endearing.
I understand now why. Because they are like this. They are raw and messy and real and let me see them. They don’t try to cover their mistakes. Sometimes one guy got defensive, which was an old protective mechanism (Hey, we can’t lose them all at once). But overall, he showed me his mess, feels his feelings, and took responsibility for himself.
Being Really Seen With All Your Mess
When I think about my last few relationships, they all started the same way. Totally and completely vulnerable. I allowed myself to be completely exposed, and completely seen. NOT a performance.
Fun, Flirty and Silly
The first one was fun, and flirty and silly, but when I allowed myself to REALLY be seen, when we truly started dating, he was in AWE at the beauty of who I really was. All of the glory, and all of the mess.
The second one was immediate and magical. Like, real magic. I completely, totally and utterly fell into his eyes, (totally unexpectedly) and he was able to not only meet my gaze, but hold me and receive me, and give himself back to me. It was the strangest, most awesome sensation in the world… And the way I remember it now… I feel like I would have handed myself over to him at that moment for eternity …and I suppose I did hand myself over.
8 Hours long …
Our first phone call was EIGHT hours long! I’m not joking. We didn’t stop talking since we both had so much to share, so much to say, and both wanted to be deeply known & understood.
I believe all humans want this! To both listen, care deeply, and want to be a safe nest for the other to be completely exposed, raw & open. I think deep down, everyone wants this. To be seen, heard and be able to share.Many people haven't learned HOW to listen, mostly because no one ever listened to them. Click To Tweet
Intimacy and Trust
The most recent experience was similar. We were in a tantra event and there was a really vulnerable moment when we locked eyes and I reached out to him. I saw deep inside of him, and he saw me. He almost instantaneously became part of my life. We started sharing secrets almost immediately. The walls were down. The intimacy and trust was high because of the safety that we were both able to quickly create.
What to Do When You Meet Someone to Be Really Seen
I was coaching someone recently about what to do when you meet someone. We were talking about vulnerability and what it would be like to actually just share everything. Put it all right out there on the table. Here I am. Like me? Great. No? Please walk away.
Dating is like a sales call.
You listen to what the other person wants and needs, and you try to figure out if what you have is something they would want. You do this by asking them questions, and then telling them everything you have to offer. If you try to hide something, later, they feel duped. It’s best to explain all of the perks, benefits and downfalls before selling them.
Dating is the same way.
But we find it hard to just put all of our shit out on display for others. Do you know why we find it hard? Because we think they are judging us.
Judging Myself for Whom I Am
But do you know who is actually judging me? That’s right, me. If I am secure, have self-love and feel good about myself, I don’t care what you think about me.And the reality is, I don't end up with someone who is a MATCH if I'm not vulnerable about who I really am, right up front. Click To Tweet
My first conversation with the men I date go so deep so fast. Sometimes it is a 5-minute conversation, and within that amount of time, we knew secrets about each other that if I wrote them here, I would get a call from a family member about how inappropriate it is to write that in my blog (hahaha).
Being Real Because It’s Worth It
I date men who are just as “weird” as I am.
We are “weird” because we are willing to share, be open, raw, exposed, share ourselves, keep the lights on while lovemaking, and share energy while eye gazing. It’s sad to me that everyone isn’t so raw, real and vulnerable. We weren’t taught that being like that is beneficial. If anything, we learned, too many times, that sharing secrets just creates the opportunity for someone else to hurt us.
At some point, and at different points in our lives, the men I date and I decided that being REAL was worth it. When we “ACT” or “PERFORM” after living so authentically and vulnerably, it feels inauthentic and yucky.
The possible pain that comes from being authentic and vulnerable is a better option than the depression, anxiety, and disconnection that comes from trying to stuff it all down, pretend, be perfect, and get everything right.
How Being Raw and Real Helps to Be Really Seen
With 2 of my partners, I actually bought into the idea that transformational training and personal development made life really sweet because of the tools. I actually thought that we got along so well because we both knew & trusted that about each other: that the other would use their tools.
But, I now realize it has nothing to do with the specific tools or whether or not we trust each other to use the tools. The tools were just a vehicle for me to BECOME the WOMAN that I AM today. I don’t need a partner who has done ANY personal development, because I know how to BE with him. I know how to approach him. I feel centered and grounded inside of myself. I don’t take things personally, and when I do, I clean them up or share them in an effective way. I have actually learned HOW to communicate. I have learned HOW to support someone. I have learned HOW to see them, and allow myself to be seen. I have learned BOUNDARIES and how to effectively communicate them in a way I am valued and understood. I actually LOVE and HONOR MYSELF first.
These are now WAYS OF BEING for me.
This guy I’m dating, who has done ZERO personal development, is uninhibited and willing to be authentic, raw and real with me. We both want so badly to be the best version of ourselves. We both inspire and motivate each other to go to the next level. How is that possible without him doing personal development? It’s because I AM HEALTHY and I am choosing someone healthy now. And, if I discover that it’s somehow unhealthy, I can walk away, because I TRUST and BELIEVE in myself.
Pointing fingers and saying “you be better. It’s your fault. Fix this.” is a great way to lose your spouse. I know because I did that. That’s a painful lesson to learn.
Respecting myself enough.
I have also learned to RESPECT myself enough to know when I’m not being treated the way I want to be treated. I know that I cannot change a man. I can only change myself. And, it takes courage to be brave enough to seek out something that works for me, instead of settling for something that “almost works.” Never again.
Deserving a partner who matches me deeply.
I had to truly learn, deep down, that I was deserving of someone who matched my core values and beliefs. I had settled before. I believed that I could adjust my core beliefs (like my spirituality, my beliefs about finances, my beliefs about being cared for and loved) to FIT into HIS schema of what those things were. I believed that being able to simply SHARE everything and be open was enough. But it wasn’t. I wasn’t listening to my true, inner self. Once I got in touch with that, and understood what REALLY mattered to me, at a core level, there was no way I would be able to stay.
I hope you can learn from me now, instead of going through it yourself!
Knowing Your Triggers
I find a helpful thought is, “wow, I’m triggered, my partner is triggered, what’s going on here? How can I calm down and fix this?” Which usually looks like taking responsibility, apologies, makeups, empathy, true understanding and forgiveness.
Learning these ways of being and tools took me YEARS to learn. I spent years in personal development, therapy, women’s group, hypnosis, coaching and 12-step programs. It took me time to CREATE who I am today. Now it is simply a WAY OF BEING.
Remain Free and Surrender … All At the Same Time
I have dated some amazing men. I have had to learn to LET GO of them while being with them.
I remember when my x had been gone for a few weeks, doing personal development. I remember thinking, “He’s not mine.” He never was and never will be, even while I was WITH him. We can’t own people or each other. We must remain free and allow each other to be free. We get to allow each other to CHOOSE to come home to us, because we are good people that the other one WANTS to be with… This was one of the HARDEST lessons for me to learn. TO LET GO. To trust. To surrender.
Manipulation and Control
I used to have this image of how I did relationship with my intimate partner. I Imagined that I had these long, sharp, pointed fingernails (Painted black or red or something scary) and that I would wrap them right around my lovers jugular vein in his neck. I wouldn’t pierce the skin unless he tried to move or do something I didn’t want him to do. I would just hold him there. One day, I SAW this vision of myself. I SAW what I was doing, and realized that it was just a very abusive form of manipulation and control. That it was based on FEAR, not love.
Letting Go of Fear and Control
I realized that day that I HAD to let go. And I did. When I did, the shit hit the fan in that relationship and I lost it, which was my greatest fear. But we were both free, and I promised myself I would never do a relationship like that again.
Choosing your partner freely.
Then I did relationship with a man who I allowed him to be FREE. He chose me freely, and for a while I chose him too. I didn’t know how long it would last. And this time, asI claimed parts of myself, he wasn’t the one to lose his shit, I was. I couldn’t believe that I had given up on myself like that, and allowed things in my life that were unacceptable to me. I had lied to myself to stay “safe” and “to settle.”
But I have learned to love myself enough to know that I am OK without him.
I like you a lot, let’s see how it goes.
And I feel blessed that I have been given a new gift. It’s a brand new relationship. It feels like heaven. As Abraham-Hicks says, “I like you a lot, let’s see how it goes.” This is the definition of letting go of fear and control.
Who knows where this journey is taking me in relationship?
All I know if that I am at peace inside myself, and experiencing joy and happiness. I am not hiding behind a persona any more. I am not a perfectionist trying to control my environment and my men. I am free, alive, and at peace. What a blessing!
If you want to truly feel at peace inside yourself, and feel happy, and believe in coaching, and you want to change your controlling, perfectionist, emotion-avoiding, anxious ways too, we can help. Please reach out to me for a breakthrough session to see what the best route of healing is for you. We will have a breakthrough session, it will be like a date, but different.
READ MORE FROM ME
Over the years, I have been a serial learner and practitioner, taking in information about psychology, religion, spirituality, science, medicine, quantum physics, relationships, parenting, and overall, general happiness and work-life balance. I’ve been fascinated in what it takes to and have created my life of pure joy, happiness, balance and peace. It is my mission to spread what I have learned and practiced to you in ways that are simple, easy to understand AND implement. I have served people in achieving realignment in their bodies, relationships and purpose for over 20 years. If you liked this article, and you want to read more, please visit one of the links below:
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