Many men struggle to figure out how to improve their communication with their wives. They hear her complaining that they are not doing a good job, and they see her trying in many ways to get him to communicate, but everyone ends up frustrated with a lot of resentment. Here is a blog post taken from a text communication I recently had with a male client asking for advice about learning a better way to communicate with his wife. Let’s name him JOHN. This BRAVE MAN is willing to shift everything he knows to find out how to communicate better in a relationship with his wife, whom he loves dearly. (He has generously given me permission to share this content anonymously.)
How to Communicate Better in a Relationship: 2 Hot Questions and Key Takeaways for Men Who Want to Strengthen the Intimacy With Their Partners
#1 How can I improve communicating with my wife?
JOHN: I’m not doing a good job communicating with my wife. We had a bit of a dispute about it yesterday. In her head, what does communication look like? How can I improve on the communication aspect? She loves to share everything, even if it’s mundane talk about her day at work. I just don’t do it because its not like any eventful stuff happens that is so noteworthy to be shared. How can I stop shooting myself in the foot with this? She loves to speak about how she feels all the time and I don’t tend to share much about how I feel. Honestly, at work, its all guy talk with my work buddies, which is not the kind of conversation you have with your wife. So confused!
HEATHER’s ANSWER: Omgosh this is a BIG conversation… But let me sum it up with this example. Would you ever, at a party, go up to your buddy and be like “omg the organic blueberries were BOGO at Publix this week!” No. Never. Your brain doesn’t think like that.
You’re a hunter.
Women are gatherers.
Women spent time with OTHER WOMEN and babies ALL DAY LONG for 10 million years. Now they’re alone all day. So everything they would have said to their mother/ sister/ aunt/ friend ALL DAY is stored inside until YOU get home! (Poor you).
Men are hunters.
Men, on the other hand, have a strategy to hunt. And then they shut up. If you have an emotional outburst, you scare away dinner and everyone starves. So, no one talks. No one shares. Unless it’s about making the next move. And even then, you jeopardize dinner, so to speak. You’re wired to kill mammoth. She’s wired to talk, communicate, create, express all day and raise babies… to whom she is TEACHING LANGUAGE. It’s her job to teach the baby to communicate. Best way for baby to learn? Modeling. Watch/ listen/ hear the others and learn. The more “she”/woman/ mother talks, the more prepared the baby is for survival.
Make sense?
#2 How do I communicate with her in a way that she feels connected?
JOHN: It makes sense that we are different. Her gripe is that I don’t share or talk more. I’m not a chatty person by nature. Yet she has certain expectations I am obviously falling short on. Do I have to be “more like her?”
HEATHER’s ANSWER: No you don’t have to be more like her. It is important for YOU to be YOU. You get to DIG for what’s VALUABLE to you… Sharing things that you just haven’t been letting her know about. Are you purposefully HOLDING BACK ANYTHING from your wife that you are aware of?
JOHN: I don’t think I am. We have our usual small talk about our day at work.
HEATHER’s ANSWER: Would you like to be CLOSE to your wife?
JOHN: Yes.
HEATHER’s ANSWER: Would you like more INTIMACY?
JOHN: Yeah
HEATHER’s ANSWER: Ok… Then you’re going to have to go AGAINST your nature. Going against your nature doesn’t mean becoming a woman.
Sharing the stuff in your head.
It means actually SHARING all that stuff in your head. It’s in there anyway. You know how… Inside you… You worry about the family, her, the passive income, and the shit at work, how it’s all going to play out… And then… You compare who you are/ your masculinity against all that? (This is a thing men tend to do) You know what I’m talking about?
Your internal conversation.
That internal conversation of like “I’ve got This” (that sometimes sounds like “how the fuck am I going to handle all this?!”) Do you ever share THAT stuff with her? I know it is super vulnerable to share that stuff! That’s what I mean when I say you have to GO AGAINST YOUR NATURE! I don’t mean become a woman.
Sharing your burden WITH HER.
I mean, SHARE THE BURDEN with her. Men think that all of these thoughts are BURDENS because when someone shares something with them, they expect to FIX IT.
Women don’t want to FIX IT. They just want to KNOW ABOUT IT. Click To TweetDid you say “Blueberries”?
Like the blueberries. They want to know about the blueberries. They might not even WANT blueberries. If a woman mentions the blueberries to her husband, he hears “Get me some blueberries.” But that’s NOT what she is saying! She is just expressing her EXCITEMENT about the blueberries being on SALE! I know this makes no sense to a man.
And MOST men want to FIX problems, and PROVIDE for their women in the BEST way possible. Click To TweetWhich translates from “The organic blueberries are BOGO at Publix” into him hearing, “Honey, go buy me the BEST organic blueberries there are because I love them!” Then, when he comes home with $10 organic blueberries from the specialty store, she is PISSED, because 1) she didn’t want the blueberries and 2) the whole point of the story was that they were ON SALE!
- When women SHARE, they don’t want to be fixed. They aren’t looking for a solution. They are just simply sharing to connect.
- When men share, they are trying to SOLVE a problem. They want to PROVIDE for their women, so they tend to not share, for fear of BURDENING their women.
THIS IS WHERE THE PROBLEM LIES!
You sharing with her doesn’t burden her. It doesn’t make her drive into FIX IT mode. It makes her feel connected and close to you because she is understanding the EMOTIONAL struggle that you are going through FOR HER and your family. This actually creates BONDING. She wants to know THAT STUFF, because she loves you. That’s a good woman. That’s intimacy. And it will make her want to OPEN to you! Which… Is your goal… Really… Because that’s when she’s most attractive anyway.
JOHN: Oh! Ok! Yes, it makes sense. So I get to choose what I want to share?!
HEATHER’s ANSWER: Lol. Yes. You’re in charge of you. No one else. She may ask and want to know. But YOU CHOOSE if you trust her enough to tell her. YOU CHOOSE if you want to create intimacy. You choose how close she gets to you. She may not like it (she may not stick around <- worst fear). But ultimately, it’s your power. You decide who comes in and how far!
READ MORE FROM ME
Over the years, I have been a serial learner and practitioner, taking in information about psychology, religion, spirituality, science, medicine, quantum physics, relationships, parenting, and overall, general happiness and work-life balance. I’ve been fascinated in what it takes to and have created my life of pure joy, happiness, balance and peace. It is my mission to spread what I have learned and practiced to you in ways that are simple, easy to understand AND implement. I have served people in achieving realignment in their bodies, relationships and purpose for over 20 years. If you liked this article, and you want to read more, please visit one of the links below:
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Heather Hundhausen, a mind/body/spirit healer and facilitator, works with heart centered individuals who are ready to release their physical and emotional pain and reconnect their minds with their bodies so they can start living a life of passion and purpose. She assists people in making decisions in their lives by following their heart, mind, intuition and soul, from a place of being whole and in integrity.
With over fifteen years as a licensed massage therapist, Heather understands the connection between how someone's emotions can show up as physical pain. Using a variety of massage techniques, including neuromuscular therapy and structural realignment, she now does her ground breaking work by helping her clients to reach back through the pain and remember who they are to create wholeness and fullness.
During her years practicing traditional massage therapy, and while an intern working on her Masters Degree in Mental Health Counseling, she realized that people responded strongly when addressing their feelings and not just their thoughts. Working with this knowledge, she began to create an experiential environment for her clients, having them focus less on what they were thinking and more on what they were feeling. She discovered that when people began to release their emotions, they also released their physical pain. Heather is now passionate about helping people do just this so they hear their inner voice and then act upon their intuition so they create a new physical, mental and emotional life for themselves.
Heather’s authenticity, integrity, honor, commitment to her clients, and ability to create trust ensures that client's have a safe space to experience the exploration and release of their pain. Her clients say she is skilled at spiritual and emotional healing and is a great partner to have on the journey to contentment. As one particular client stated, “She opened my heart so the grief could emerge and then joy was able to fill that space.”
Heather is a popular speaker and workshop leader and facilitator, with one of her most popular workshops, “Connect on Purpose: Interpreting Your Body's Signals for Greater Wisdom and Empowerment” helping guide people to live their purpose, which Heather describes as “being able to take your talents and gifts and put them into action.” She is currently authoring a book and developing additional workshops, including a meditation group.
A licensed massage therapist, specializing in Thai Massage, Neuromuscular Therapy and Myo-skeletal Alignment Technique, she has a Masters Degree in Mental Health Counseling, is certified in Redirecting Children’s Behavior as a facilitator and coach.
