Women’s Guide: How to Communicate Better in a Relationship

I recently wrote a blog post about how a male friend of mine could improve communication with his wife (to read that article too, click here). It was wonderful that he wanted to know, and I thought, there are PLENTY of women out there who want to know HOW to get their men to talk to them too!  Sometimes it’s like pulling teeth!  Why wont they just TALK to us? Find out how to communicate better in a relationship so your man tells you what’s going on.

How Can I Get My Husband to Talk to Me More?

This is the question so many women want to know.  Women have a BILLION things they want to talk about with their husbands/ men, but sometimes it seems so DIFFICULT to get them to open up!  Why!?

Why is my man so secretive?

Ok sister, just stop there.  See, you are already making things up.  He’s NOT secretive.  He’s executing, and he is saving energy/ conserving.  Men don’t waste energy.  Ever.  Everything they do is intentional or for a reason.

He is a hunter.

For millions of years, they hunted game/ buffalo/ mammoth/ bears/ or other LARGE creatures that could feed the ENTIRE tribe for a long time if they worked together EFFICIENTLY. If some idiot yelled, or even made a peep, the chance of not only losing dinner, but also losing your life, was great.  So, men have learned to be EFFICIENT, time saving, QUIET beings, for survival.

OK, so why doesn’t he SHARE more?

Good question.  He doesn’t share because men don’t listen the way women do.  When a man is listening to you, he is listening for HOW HE CAN PROVIDE for you.

I need a new laptop cord!

Here’s a perfect example.  (In the last article, we talked about the Blueberries)  My girlfriend needed a new cord for her laptop for her BUSINESS.  She asked her partner if he could send her the link for the cord that she needed, and said she was going to put it on her BUSINESS account.

When men listen, they aren’t listening for what you are SAYING.  They aren’t listening for content.  They are listening for HOW TO SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM.

So, guess what he did?  

Yep, he ordered the cord, and had it overnighted to her!  (I know ladies, it’s infuriating, why is he so stupid!?)

What does this have to do with your man not sharing?

So, why doesn’t he SHARE?  What does this have to do with him sharing?  Everything.

He doesn’t SHARE because he doesn’t want to BURDEN you with his problems.  He thinks that when he shares with you, he is burdening you with his problems.  I know you are thinking, “That doesn’t make any sense?  How is he burdening me?  He isn’t asking for anything, he’s just sharing.”

Nope.

Men are problem solvers.

Men assume everyone is a problem solver, including you.  If they are speaking, it is because there is a problem that they are trying to solve, and he is burdening you by making you help him fix it.

He hears you want the cord.

When you want the LINK to the cord, he hears that you want the cord. So he gets you the cord.  Guess what?  If he wants the LINK to the cord, and he asks for that, he wants you to get him the cord, or help him figure out how to GET IT most efficiently.  He doesn’t actually want the link.  He wants the cord.  He wants to SOLVE the problem.  Make sense?  This is why he doesn’t share.

Now, here is where you can actually DO something about getting him to share with you.

ARE YOU A TRUSTED ADVISOR to your man?

1. Women can tend to be HIGHLY critical.  (It’s one of their amazing strengths, no really).
2. Women also tend to be able to see the POTENTIAL in their man that maybe the man is not fully in touch with yet.
3. When a woman POINTS OUT everything the man is missing, or what’s not going to work (because she can see multiple aspects at once, where he is single focused) this can sound like criticism and NOT like the support he was looking for!

Once you do this a time or two, he learns that sharing with you not only gets solutions, it gets MORE PROBLEMS.  This does NOT create trust.

You have to earn his trust.

If he believes that you are SMART and he TRUSTS you to help fix problems, he will share with you to get your opinion.  You have to EARN this trust, and you cannot BREAK this trust.  You get to prove to him that you are WORTH sharing with. 

So how do you prove that you are WORTH sharing with?

#1 LISTEN FOR PROBLEMS.

You tune yourself into listening for problems and then listen for how to provide solutions to these problems.

Once he decides on a solution, you can present another side of the situation he may not have thought about.  OR, you can say something like, “I think I see an angle that we are missing, can I add something here that might complicate getting to the solution quickly?”

#2 DON’T INTERRUPT

You allow him to SHARE his struggle WITHOUT INTERRUPTING!

• Women can think of 10 things at once.
• Women BOMBARD each other with questions, interrupt each other, and are able to carry on many conversations at once.

This is not offensive to many women, as they can easily navigate many conversations at once.  (This is because women, for 10 million years, spent most of their day with other women and CHILDREN, who are constantly interrupting things and needing NEW, unexpected things every day.  Because of this, women learned to respond to many different stimuli at once.  Men had to focus on the KILL, and therefore had to be extremely focused on ONE stimulus in order to WIN).

• Men are single focused, and MEAN WHAT THEY SAY, so they are deliberate about what they share.

Again, it’s a life or death issue.

If they come up with the “wrong” answer, and go hunting with a “bad plan,” someone could die.  

Because of this, it can sometimes take them a while to go far inside of themselves to bring forth an answer.  This can take time.

Women tend to judge them as stupid and think,

• “WTF is taking him so long to answer?
• Maybe he didn’t understand the question?”

and then she asks him a SECOND question.

Now, he’s over there trying to think of 2 things at once, and she is too impatient to wait for TWO answers (which of course take longer, because there are 2) and so she tries to make it easy for him (because now she’s judging him as so stupid) and gives him a multiple choice question to answer, and the 3 “answers” she provides are NO WHERE NEAR what he was thinking about sharing.

At this point, he is thinking, “she doesn’t even KNOW me!?” and he gives up wanting to share all together because he doesn’t feel seen, heard or cared about.

Moral of the story, don’t interrupt.  Zip the lip.

#3 MAKE SPACE

Men aren’t like women.  They cannot have 2 kids and their grandmother talking at the same time as them.  They would rather wait.  A week.  A year.  For your attention and space.  Some men are more demanding and will ask for your time.  If he does this, it is valuable.  He is letting you know he needs you.  It’s very vulnerable.

When we create space for our men, and we don’t interrupt, we provide a very unique, sacred space for them to open up.

• Sometimes it takes some encouragement.  It’s VERY vulnerable for them to share.

#4 ASK QUESTIONS

The better the questions, the more they will share.

How do you know how to ask good questions?

• Make them about HIM.
• You want to know his heart.
• You want to know his fears and anxieties.
• You want to know what keeps him up at night.
• You want to know his burdens.

I know, and you know, that you aren’t going to “fix them.”  But he thinks that sharing them will make you need to fix them, which is a “burden” on you.  Which is why he doesn’t share.  He thinks he is protecting you.

You just want to know his plan.

Make sure when you ask the questions that you let him know you just want to know his plan/ his strategy.  Ask him about his plan.  He wants a clear plan.  And he probably has one.  If he doesn’t, he probably won’t want to share, because it’s vulnerable to not know, and not be able to provide for you!

Put all of his plan together.

Here’s the coolest part about being a woman.  You can take all the pieces of the plan you hear him sharing about and put them into a linear form for him.  You can actually create a map for him.  And this is how you “solve” his problems for him.

Mastermind together.

The ultimate couple MASTERMINDS together about the vision, the goal, the creation, and they create clarity together.  He is shooting the arrow, and she is showing him everything that might come at him from the sides.

When there is TRUST this works beautifully.  When there isn’t, it sounds like he is being controlling and bossy, and she is being bitchy and critical.

#5 DON’T MAKE IT ABOUT YOU!

• As soon as you start whining, bitching, complaining or criticizing about how he’s doing everything wrong and you’re not taken care of, he is going to shut down and NOT SHARE.  
• If you really want him to share about himself, you need to put yourself on the back burner.
• Listen, I know you have A LOT of things you want to tell him.  You have a LOT of things you want finished and completed by him.  You have a lot of stories to tell, and you don’t want to tell them to anyone but him. 

If you want him to share with you, now is NOT the time for you to share.

HOW DO YOU GET HIM TO LISTEN WHEN YOU WANT TO SHARE?

He wants to PROVIDE for you.  So, he will make time to listen to you, even if it is half listening, because he wants to provide for you.

#1 Get Clear.

You get to be CLEAR about what is REALLY important for him to hear, and what is just noise coming out of your face that you want to say because you are craving connection (like we had in tribal, cave man times) that you’re not getting.  

He is willing to give you this, but you need not judge it as bad.  We are just created differently.  Our brains are different.  No one is right, no one is wrong.  If you want to talk for hours, call your best girlfriend.  If you want him to really hear you, be extremely direct and brief in your communication.

#2 Ask Him to Repeat.

The stuff that is REALLY important, just ask him to repeat back what he heard you say and see if he heard you.  Most of the time, they will surprise the shit out of you, and repeat you verbatim!  You think they’re not listening, but they are intent on making you happy and listening, especially if you tell them it’s important.

I love working with couples and I am happy to help you create a happy, communicative home where there is understanding and acceptance of each other.  If you struggle with any of this and need support, please reach out to me for a complimentary breakthrough session!

READ MORE FROM ME

Over the years, I have been a serial learner and practitioner, taking in information about psychology, religion, spirituality, science, medicine, quantum physics, relationships, parenting, and overall, general happiness and work-life balance.  I’ve been fascinated in what it takes to and have created my life of pure joy, happiness, balance and peace. It is my mission to spread what I have learned and practiced to you in ways that are simple, easy to understand AND implement.  I have served people in achieving realignment in their bodies, relationships and purpose for over 20 years.  If you liked this article, and you want to read more, please visit one of the links below:

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