We are all looking to find a partner who is THE ONE, like Mister Big from Sex in the City, aren’t we? Once upon a time, there was a girl, who wanted to be a princess. She wanted a Prince to come and sweep her off her feet, so she wouldn’t have to sweep floors, or have any other real life financial obligations or responsibilities anymore. If the prince would just choose her, she’d be home free.
She could have it all. Relaxing times, no struggles, and someone gorgeous there to take care of all her woes, in exchange for her everlasting beauty and hot sex.
Who’s still waiting?
I’ve got news for you sister, he ain’t coming.
Before You Find a Partner Who’s Right You Need to Recognize and Leave Behind What’s Wrong …
I’m not saying you’re not worth him coming to get you … I’m just saying have you seen the state of our world? Those men don’t exist. And quite frankly, you don’t want him to. I’ll show you why.
Codependency Triangle: The Victim
Here’s a short explanation of the codependency triangle, using our prince charming metaphor.
“Woe is me… I don’t want all of these responsibilities and obligations anymore… I wish they would all just disappear so I could go to the beach all day, and the gym, and write music and color
(Yeah, me too sister, but this is a VICTIM stance. As soon as you give away your power to create your reality and take care of yourself, you become a victim.)
Prince Charming: I will save you! I’m strong, rich, amazing, handsome, a good listener, dancer, I fix things and I’m great in bed! I’ll save you from your miserable existence woman!
(Ok buddy, back off, and drop the ego, it’s pretty inflated. Although this guy seems amazing and too good to be true, he is pretty sexy when you meet him, and he will surely rescue you and take away all of your problems, over time, he becomes annoying. He is the classic RESCUER. And a rescuer needs a VICTIM.)
“OH! Thank you! You’re my hero!” So, you move in with him…
This is the part of the story when you find a partner they don’t show in the fairy tales… they say, “and they lived happily ever after…”
Why do they ALL end there and say that?
Because they either don’t know what the hell that looks like (happily ever after? Who do you know who is happy every day just simply because they married a hot shot?) Or they know exactly what happens but don’t want to tell the kids.
Here’s one of two versions of finding a partner like Prince Charming:
1) You get home and he does everything for you. EVERYTHING. He’s an uber controller. Everything is calculated, and his way. And you better keep playing damsel in distress or he’s gonna bust a nut. I mean, he is a MAN already. You better act like a woman. Quiet. Docile. Unable. Incapable. JUST BE QUIET. Oh and pretty.
Because if you’re not… and you start speaking up and having an opinion, we are gonna see some “anger issues” arise and guess what?
They’re all YOUR FAULT.
He doesn’t have any anger issues. You’re too noisy, too loud, too opinionated, too indifferent, too skinny, too fat, too bossy, too quiet…
You lose your authenticity when you believe people who say, YOU'RE TOO MUCH! Would you please just stop being you! Click To Tweet
(He starts persecuting in this example, and now you’re the victim again, right where he wants you, so he can rescue you. This is the beginning of the cycle of abuse. And if you can’t figure out how to pick yourself up and walk out, it will get worse. And the stronger you try to become, the more enraged and persecuting he gets.
So, you learn to RESCUE him (and yourself) by being what he wants. Docile. Sweet. Quiet. A victim.)
If you find a partner like this and stay in this toxic environment, you will get sick. The body breaks down, and so does the mind, and the walls and denial go up. Before you know it, you’re sick and “can’t” do anything so he will just leave you alone. You can’t boss around a sick person. And the sick person can say (lies) like, “oh, I wish I could help,” but they’re (secretly and unconsciously) happy they aren’t getting picked on anymore.
OR
You find a partner and it will play out like this
2) He’s so loving, doting, attentive and sweet that you feel smothered and annoyed. Won’t he just go away! Why is he giving you so much attention? Doesn’t he have better things to do, like, run a country?!
And you’ll start criticizing him to get him to stop. And the more you criticize him, the less sexy he becomes, and the more you emasculate him, the more you take over, because he just can’t do it (he’s such an idiot) so you end up taking over and controlling everything and didn’t you want a prince charming in the first place so you could get rid of all of this stupid responsibility?! What happened!?
(So, when you get sick of him being doting, loving and perfect and annoying and feeling like you’re not free, you’ll attack, criticize, emasculate and reject him and you’ll become the PERSECUTOR)
What do we do!?
Here’s the reality.
If you’re ON the codependency triangle, either as a victim, rescuer or persecutor, you ARE part of the codependency triangle. You’re always all three. If you’re on it, you can’t escape it. You might be most comfortable as a rescuer, or a victim… but you’ll eventually Turn into one of the others.
Why do we want prince charming then? What’s the appeal and why do we stay?
Using the two previous examples of finding a partner like Prince Charming, here they are again as two examples of how dating Prince Charming puts both of you on the codependency triangle.
We want to find the right partner for us. In order to do that we have to avoid the codependency triangle.
In the first example of finding a partner like Prince Charming, we may have had a controlling, raging, angry father who was the boss of everyone. We learn to be quiet, codependent, please him to keep him calm. This is FAMILYar (familiar). We are used to it, we are programmed for it, we expect it.
So, of course, Prince Charming shows up looking sexy and strong, but then turns into “dad.” (Or any other dominate Male figure from childhood).
You learned in childhood from watching mom, or yourself, that if you or mom were another, BETTER way, dad wouldn’t get so mad and out of control. Good grief! Why would you poke a sleeping bear woman! You know better!
Bullshit. This is bullshit. And it’s NOT your fault, your issue, or anything at all having to do with you. It’s THEM being triggered and not being able to manage themselves or their own emotions and they project it all onto you you. This is not manly, and quite frankly, very far away from sexy. A man who can not own his own garbage and instead puts it on you hasn’t actually yet become a man. He’s just a big baby looking for a mommy to have a temper tantrum with.
The second example of finding a partner like Prince Charming is a man looking for a mommy. Maybe you learned to take care of everyone in your family, and that’s just leaking over here.
A man takes ownership of his kingdom. Ownership of himself. And he doesn’t try to control others or let others control him. He doesn’t need to. He is honored and respected because of his loving, present, integrated presence. You can’t mess with a MAN. And a man won’t mess with you. He knows it’s not worth it. It’s on the codependency triangle and it’s a false sense of power that doesn’t last. A real man knows this.
So … sister, it’s on you. You gonna stay with a big baby, or you gonna own up to your part in the victim game and get off the triangle. When you find a partner who is a MAN stop bitching and complaining that life is so hard, and step into your power and make something of yourself. Become a WOMAN, not a girl looking for a daddy to save her. And find a MAN to partner with?
I’m so sorry, but society lied to us. Telling us some prince charming would come and make it all safe and nice and good so we could happily raise babies and sing and frolic in the woods with the animals full time.
The truth is, you make your nest. You take care of yourself.
You love yourself enough to NOT TOLERATE a man who is a mushball (mommas boy) or an angry control freak (temper tantrum king baby). Click To TweetDon’t believe the lie.
And, don’t lie to yourself. Dont tell yourself, “I’ve found him! He’s the one!” And then shove him into your box of what a perfect man is and should be. Because now you’re being controlling.
You know when you know you’ve found prince charming? When he’s providing for you, protecting you, and there for you for so long, you feel safe, open and free to be yourself. When he’s changing dirty diapers, or rolling around with your grandkids as the pony on the floor. When you know your future is secure and your kids are safe. That’s when you might be able to look at your man and say, aww… I have prince charming… but, by then, he will be the king. Your King.
But don’t shove your 6 month boyfriend into the prince charming box when you’ve loaned HIM money you owe someone else! And he keeps yelling at you and you’re trying to ignore it like it’s not happening.
If you are feeling victimized you are probably in denial. Stay in your power and take ownership of your life. Click To TweetI want you to at least be aware of the situation you’re in.
And if you’re in it and you stay, no judgment. Sometimes, it’s more comfortable to stay in what we know, even if its suffering and pain. I know that all too well. I used to do it. But I learned another way. And if you’re ready and you want to, you can too. I can teach you.
Here’s what it feels like to have a prince charming:
- You can say no lovingly and he’s ok.
- You live your life because it’s yours.
- You make decisions together because you’re partners.
- Everyone keeps their word and commitment.
- Your beauty, size, behavior, laugh, hair, etc isn’t his to decide what to do with… and you don’t let him decide.
- You’re gentle, at ease, open, trusting, kind and feel safe.
First step to creating a happy relationship after you find a partner
- Take responsibility. I know it sucks. I know you wish someone else would do the dishes and the laundry and wash the cars and cook the meals. But, it’s your life. I’ve found gratitude and ownership for what I have really helps.
- Believe you can do it. Some women are so stuck, they don’t believe they can do it alone, without a man. Fears of starving to death, the kids running amuck, the shame of not living the fairy tale that society shoves down our throats that we feel we must have to be a worthy enough woman. What other lies are we believing? Many of us buy into the “life is miserable and should be complained about all the time” lie. Well, what you focus on expands… so that’s just going to create more misery. Great! You’ll fit right in at work with the other miserable people.
- Learning that being alone doesn’t suck. That way, in your relationship, if it does start to suck, you’ll be ok with going back to being happily alone. That way, you won’t compromise on your values of what you want in a happy relationship. You’ll leave before it’s too late (you’ll leave right on time)
Maybe you think you don’t have the tools to leave, or the tools to make it better? Well, you have options.
I have tools to teach you to change your life, if you’re interested you can reach out and have a conversation with me by booking a breakthrough session HERE… or you can stay in the victim mentality of “nothing really ever changes, I may just stay here in my misery.” No judgment. I did it. It worked. Until it didn’t.
"he didn't meet my standards..."
I remember working with a client on self love so she could have happy thriving relationships. She started dating someone half way through our coaching and about 3 weeks into it, dumped him like a hot potato.
I asked what happened? She said, he didnt meet my standards. I’m in recovery and he’s drinking and that’s a no. So, no!
So often, when we find a partner we say yes, when we know we should say no. We haven’t learned our value. We stay victims. We just play the cards we are dealt and complain about them. If you want to find a partner who is the right one for you, put the card game down. Go make your life. Its beautiful, bold and amazing and you’re worth it.
Who’s ready?
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Over the years, I have been a serial learner and practitioner, taking in information about psychology, religion, spirituality, science, medicine, quantum physics, relationships, parenting, and overall, general happiness and work-life balance. I’ve been fascinated in what it takes to and have created my life of pure joy, happiness, balance and peace. It is my mission to spread what I have learned and practiced to you in ways that are simple, easy to understand AND implement. I have served people in achieving realignment in their bodies, relationships and purpose for over 20 years. If you liked this article, and you want to read more, please visit one of the links below:
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Heather Hundhausen, a mind/body/spirit healer and facilitator, works with heart centered individuals who are ready to release their physical and emotional pain and reconnect their minds with their bodies so they can start living a life of passion and purpose. She assists people in making decisions in their lives by following their heart, mind, intuition and soul, from a place of being whole and in integrity.
With over fifteen years as a licensed massage therapist, Heather understands the connection between how someone's emotions can show up as physical pain. Using a variety of massage techniques, including neuromuscular therapy and structural realignment, she now does her ground breaking work by helping her clients to reach back through the pain and remember who they are to create wholeness and fullness.
During her years practicing traditional massage therapy, and while an intern working on her Masters Degree in Mental Health Counseling, she realized that people responded strongly when addressing their feelings and not just their thoughts. Working with this knowledge, she began to create an experiential environment for her clients, having them focus less on what they were thinking and more on what they were feeling. She discovered that when people began to release their emotions, they also released their physical pain. Heather is now passionate about helping people do just this so they hear their inner voice and then act upon their intuition so they create a new physical, mental and emotional life for themselves.
Heather’s authenticity, integrity, honor, commitment to her clients, and ability to create trust ensures that client's have a safe space to experience the exploration and release of their pain. Her clients say she is skilled at spiritual and emotional healing and is a great partner to have on the journey to contentment. As one particular client stated, “She opened my heart so the grief could emerge and then joy was able to fill that space.”
Heather is a popular speaker and workshop leader and facilitator, with one of her most popular workshops, “Connect on Purpose: Interpreting Your Body's Signals for Greater Wisdom and Empowerment” helping guide people to live their purpose, which Heather describes as “being able to take your talents and gifts and put them into action.” She is currently authoring a book and developing additional workshops, including a meditation group.
A licensed massage therapist, specializing in Thai Massage, Neuromuscular Therapy and Myo-skeletal Alignment Technique, she has a Masters Degree in Mental Health Counseling, is certified in Redirecting Children’s Behavior as a facilitator and coach.
