Doesn’t it SUCK to be sexually smothered by your partner? Feeling like they always want something from you that you don’t want to give them? Doesn’t it also totally suck to want to have connection, closeness, intimacy and sex with your partner and they just don’t want you? The feeling that you are being rejected, pushed away, neglected and not wanted can start to mess with your sense of confidence and self-esteem. Learn more about how to get a better sex life where you feel totally wanted!
How to Get a Better Sex Life Where You Feel Confident and Really Wanted
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In relationships, one person will always want MORE sex than the other. This is because we are TWO separate human beings. We want different things. There will also always be one person who wants the house cleaner than the other. One will want to save more and one will want to spend more.
There is an illusion that when 2 people come together that “two become one.” Well, who is the “one” of the two? Usually we think, “I am the one.” But that’s not realistic, and quite frankly, it’s selfish, and narcissistic. So, let them be “the one?” No, then we are being a doormat codependent giving up all of our needs.
So what do you do if you want to find out how to create a better sex life? Learn first to create intimacy.
Intimacy is a tricky thing in the world that we live in.
Being Happy all the Time
Most of us spend as much time as we can AVOIDING pain. We do this in all kinds of ways. Some people numb out with alcohol or pot, some people have other “addictions” like gambling, on line shopping, pornography, drinking too much, eating too much food or not enough of it. Some have less “clinical” addictions, like watching TV, playing video games, working out, eating sugar, drinking caffeine, and taking naps for example to avoid feelings or pain.
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- Intimacy is the ability to be inside the pain. IN-TO-ME-SEE. Inside of ME, there is all kinds of fun stuff. There is happy and sad. Peaceful and mad. Subdued, tired, energized, excited, depressed, manic… the list goes on and on. We are human beings and we have ALL of these wonderful expressions and feelings of emotion, and they are changing from moment to moment.
- Many of us are convinced that the “normal” way to live and BE is to be “HAPPY!!!” all the time. There is no such thing as happy all the time. Just like there is no such thing as MAD all the time, or SAD all the time. Now, some people get stuck in their emotions, like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. He got stuck in sad. And there are some people who are like Eeyore, and that is their regular way of being. And some people are like Tigger and are bouncing off the walls all the time.
- You cannot BE someone that you are NOT. You can only tap into who you really are to find peace and balance in your life. “Being happy” all the time isn’t actually the end goal.
Happiness comes from an internal sense of peace and balance. Happiness comes from acting in integrity with yourself. Click To Tweet
Many people are acting OUT of integrity with their “inner knowing.” Your inner knowing is the part of you that knows the “best” way for you to be to create peace and balance inside of yourself. It is deeply connected with your heart, your guts, and your soul. When you act against this inner knowing, there is a deep turmoil. This deep turmoil causes pain.
And as I said before, we do whatever we can to avoid the pain.
Many of us are blind, numb or in denial about the fact that we created the pain inside of us.
So, we end up running from ourselves. When we run from ourselves, of course, we run from others. If you don’t want to sit with yourself, why would someone else?
Creating Intimacy and Loving Yourself
The goal to creating intimacy is to KNOW YOURSELF.
- It is to be comfortable with your own pain. To be able and willing to sit in your own pain so that you can actually DO something different to change it.
- When you admit to yourself that you are causing yourself pain, that is when you realize you might want to do something different. This is SELF LOVE.
- When you are able to take care of yourself, and have your inner knowing be in alignment with how you live your life, this is HAPPINESS.
- When we stop numbing ourselves out, when we stop running from our pain, trying to deny it or avoid it, we start to come into BALANCE.
When you begin to realize that your choices affect your state of being. You begin to make choices that are in alignment with your true self. Click To Tweet
So, are you READY to learn how to have a better sex life?
It’s going to take intimacy. It’s going to take you letting someone else SEE inside of you. And, if that’s too scary, start with letting yourself see inside of you.
Photo by Alexander Krivitskiy on Unsplash
As long as you are holding secrets from your intimate partner, you will hold your sex life in a state of perpetual holding and disconnection.
You are actually denying yourself intense pleasure of not only the sexual act, but also the emotional intimacy and connection that comes when you allow yourself to truly be seen by another human being.
When Two Become One
Two becomes one means that both parties share in a way that the other totally and completely GETS THEM.
- It means that there are no walls between you. Two become one when there is nothing in between you anymore.
- That you are at peace with yourself and the other SEEING you.
- When your bodies, souls, minds and hearts become connected, you become one.
- It doesn’t mean someONE is in charge. It means, we are so close and understand each other so well that we are one. There is no space between us.
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This is not co-dependence. These two people do not manage each other. They don’t pick up the pieces of the other.
In fact, it’s quite opposite. They both allow the other the complete freedom to be who they are. This ‘allowing’ creates intimacy.
This ‘allowing’ is unconditional love, which creates safety for the other person to come back and say, “I’ve tried this or that, and I was successful or I failed.”
When the other person doesn’t judge this or try to change it or fix it, there is connection and unconditional love.
How to Have a Better Sex Life: Get Your Heart On
Unconditional love is the breeding ground for intimacy and connection. When a person feels unconditional love for their sexual partner, their second chakra will open with the heart chakra, and sexual feelings will flood the body. (AKA Better Sex!) In my house, we tease and say, “get your heart on.” This is intimacy. When love floods the body, when there are no walls, when there is acceptance, the couple is magnetized to each other sexually. This is how we keep those exciting first 3 months of magnetism alive.
That super exciting sex at the beginning of a relationship fades when we start putting expectations on our partners, or we start resenting something they are doing. After the first 3-6 months, we actually start to SEE who are partner really is. Sometimes, it doesn’t match up with the lovely picture we created in our head about who they were (and how they were going to save us).
Intimacy is actually SEEING the person for who they really are, and loving them anyway. Click To Tweet
Loving them in spite of their limitations and negative aspects.
It is easy to love another when we completely and totally love ourselves. When we love all of our own limitations and negative aspects. When we don’t acknowledge or own our limitations, we judge others and have trouble accepting them, because we don’t accept ourselves. (This is when we start numbing or running away from ourselves to avoid the pain).
If your sex life sucks, ask yourself these questions:
- How do I avoid my pain? How am I numbing out? What am I in denial about?
- Do I allow myself to SEE myself? Do I allow myself my “negative” emotions and limitations?
- Do I allow others to SEE me? Truly, really, deeply see me. Do I let other see all of my limitations and negative aspect, shame and failures? If not, why?
- Do I love myself and accept myself fully? Am I proud of who I am and how I live my life? Am I listening to my inner knowing?
- Do I love my partner unconditionally, or is there something about them I am trying to change, rescue or ignore? Am I a safe place for them to see themselves? Will I not judge what they tell me, and do I try to fix them?
Photo by Alessandro De Bellis on Unsplash
If answering these questions was challenging, then you probably need support with self-love, acceptance, creating peace, and work-life balance. I coach people in these areas with tremendous success, and am helping people to trust their inner knowing, create peace and happiness for themselves, and have thriving, wonderful, deeply connected and intimate relationships. If that sounds like something you would like and if you want to learn how to have a better sex life, and you don’t have one, or you feel like you are close, but don’t know what that last thing is that is blocking you from having the intimacy you know you are capable of, please reach out to me for a free breakthrough session. Spend some time with me in a free call, see how vulnerable you can get, I’ll pay for the first call, and let’s see what you are capable of! You deserve an awesome, connected, intimate, happy and balanced life. What are you waiting for? The first call is free!
READ MORE FROM ME
Over the years, I have been a serial learner and practitioner, taking in information about psychology, religion, spirituality, science, medicine, quantum physics, relationships, parenting, and overall, general happiness and work-life balance. I’ve been fascinated in what it takes to and have created my life of pure joy, happiness, balance and peace. It is my mission to spread what I have learned and practiced to you in ways that are simple, easy to understand AND implement. I have served people in achieving realignment in their bodies, relationships and purpose for over 20 years. If you liked this article about how to get a better sex life, and you want to read more, please visit one of the links below:
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Heather Hundhausen, a mind/body/spirit healer and facilitator, works with heart centered individuals who are ready to release their physical and emotional pain and reconnect their minds with their bodies so they can start living a life of passion and purpose. She assists people in making decisions in their lives by following their heart, mind, intuition and soul, from a place of being whole and in integrity.
With over fifteen years as a licensed massage therapist, Heather understands the connection between how someone's emotions can show up as physical pain. Using a variety of massage techniques, including neuromuscular therapy and structural realignment, she now does her ground breaking work by helping her clients to reach back through the pain and remember who they are to create wholeness and fullness.
During her years practicing traditional massage therapy, and while an intern working on her Masters Degree in Mental Health Counseling, she realized that people responded strongly when addressing their feelings and not just their thoughts. Working with this knowledge, she began to create an experiential environment for her clients, having them focus less on what they were thinking and more on what they were feeling. She discovered that when people began to release their emotions, they also released their physical pain. Heather is now passionate about helping people do just this so they hear their inner voice and then act upon their intuition so they create a new physical, mental and emotional life for themselves.
Heather’s authenticity, integrity, honor, commitment to her clients, and ability to create trust ensures that client's have a safe space to experience the exploration and release of their pain. Her clients say she is skilled at spiritual and emotional healing and is a great partner to have on the journey to contentment. As one particular client stated, “She opened my heart so the grief could emerge and then joy was able to fill that space.”
Heather is a popular speaker and workshop leader and facilitator, with one of her most popular workshops, “Connect on Purpose: Interpreting Your Body's Signals for Greater Wisdom and Empowerment” helping guide people to live their purpose, which Heather describes as “being able to take your talents and gifts and put them into action.” She is currently authoring a book and developing additional workshops, including a meditation group.
A licensed massage therapist, specializing in Thai Massage, Neuromuscular Therapy and Myo-skeletal Alignment Technique, she has a Masters Degree in Mental Health Counseling, is certified in Redirecting Children’s Behavior as a facilitator and coach.
