child is trying to control dog, how to stop being controlling to your partner, family, friends, and others surrounding you

Are you wondering how to stop being controlling? When I am controlling, others get hurt.  When I think I know the answer to something, and I try to solve it for you, not with you, I hurt you.  When you tell me what to do and what to do next, I don’t get to learn, or be part of, or belong. 

When You Control Me …

a man holding his head in his hands, how to stop being controlling

Photo by: Cristian Newman

When you control me with your “right” way of being, a part of me gets lost, a part of me feels not good enough, and a part of me feels unworthy.

When you don’t allow me to be PART of, part of your decision making process, part of your understanding, part of your thinking, then I feel apart, I feel left out, I feel I don’t belong, I don’t feel heard, I feel alone and abandoned. 


When I Control You …

a woman with long brown hair looking into a mirror with sunglasses on, how to stop being controlling

Photo by: Frankie Cordoba

When I control you, it comes from my own fear, shame and inadequacy, about not being enough, about not knowing how to do it, about failing. 

When I feel the need to control the situation, it’s because I am operating out of my own scarcity conversation, that I have to get it right, to prove that I am enough, to prove that I am worth something, to prove that I have something worth offering. 


How Surrender Feels for a Controller

What would surrender even look like for a controller? 

The surrender is so scary, a complete loss of control.  It feels like a death, a death of belonging.  A separation, which is what the controller is trying to avoid the whole time they are controlling anyway.  

hands clinging on grass above a cliff, how to stop being controlling

Photo by: Daniel Jensen

Whether the controller is coming from love, or manipulation, if there is an aspect of control, of doing it right, of it being enough, of doing it so there’s no failure, then others end up getting hurt. 

There is no control in team. 

How to stop being controlling? Decide if you want to work as a team, or not. There cannot be control in team.  If the team is to be successful, then everyone gets to put input in, and everyone gets to be heard, and everyone gets to make a decision together.  No one person can solve the problem of the team. 

Perhaps there is no problem. 

How to Stop Being Controlling: Start Having Faith and Letting Go

Just like one person cannot solve the problems of the world. 

Perhaps there is no problem. 

Perhaps it is all working just perfectly, going along, and having people calling out for solutions in their lives, producing results based on their true intention, so that they can learn what they are really about. 

We realize that we call to us that which we are.  And if we want something different, that we don’t have to control anything, we get to just be brave, and loving, and show up… starting with ourselves. That’s how to stop being controlling!

Look at the Garden …

a woman with long brown hair and a summer dress with butterflies, holding a red rose that is dying, how to stop being controlling

Photo by: Giulia Bertelli

I looked out at the garden, and saw thriving green plants.  And I saw one sad little plant, brown and shriveled.  And I wanted to blame God.  And ask the universe, why would some plants thrive, and be luscious and green and large and giving, and the other would be withered.  And I realized that they would all die, eventually. 

That nothing lives forever. 

And I realized that some would have some more sun, and more water, and better minerals in the earth, in which they will thrive and grow. 

And I realized that I am like the soil for the people in my life.  As a woman, I am the nurturer; I am the soil.  And if I am depleted, then I am growing withered, brown plants, that will die sooner than the others, and not produce good fruit. 

Fill Yourself First!

a pair of hands holding soil in the rain, how to stop being controlling

Photo by: Gabriel Jimenez

I realized in that moment that I literally get to fill myself with minerals, I get to take vitamins, I get to rest, I get to exercise, I get to get my rich soil, sunshine and water, so I can thrive, so that others around me can thrive.

Controlling Others Isn’t the Way to Have What I Want in the World 

Taking care of myself, and being the soil, the fertile ground for those around me to plant themselves in, is the way to have what I want in the world. 

For me to BE abundant, and therefore, produce that which is abundant, in my team, in myself, in my children, in my business, and in the world around me.



Heather HundhausenOver the years, I have been a serial learner and practitioner, taking in information about psychology, religion, spirituality, science, medicine, quantum physics, relationships, parenting, and overall, general happiness and work-life balance.  I’ve been fascinated in what it takes to and have created my life of pure joy, happiness, balance and peace. It is my mission to spread what I have learned and practiced to you in ways that are simple, easy to understand AND implement.  I have served people in achieving realignment in their bodies, relationships and purpose for over 20 years.  If you liked this article about how to get sex right now, and you want to read more, please visit one of the links below:

  • Watch my YouTube Channel: Heather Hundhausen
  • Email: Receive my daily, inspirational emails to stay motivated, aligned, and loving yourself.
  • Join my private FB group: Heather Hundhausen
  • Breakthrough: Do you feel controlled? Do you control others and want to let go? If you want to stop controlling others or being controlled, reach out to me.

Heather Hundhausen