Do you feel like pleasing everyone for Christmas is just impossible? Do you try to figure out how to survive the holidays? Do family members make requests of you that you normally would never honor, but you do in the name of “the holidays”? If you don’t do the activities you’re looked at as that family member who is selfish (and you feel terrible about yourself).
In my last blog, we covered the importance of boundaries (If you missed it read it here).
How to Survive the Holidays: Shift Your Mind
Here’s a quick testimonial of the result of what I’m about to show you
This is what I’m feeling right now: fricking fucking holidays. I do what’s expected. I’m miserable. But at least I make others happy.
End result, after working with Heather: I do it anyway because it’s MY choice to go and do something that I don’t enjoy because if I don’t go, I’ll abandon them and that would be really painful. More painful than going and being controlled. It’s my choice. To allow someone to control me is more ok than to abandon them.
Let’s go over it really quickly how we got that result. It’s a quick mindset shift.
Here are some examples:
Christmas Tree Decorating Joy: You really don’t want to go to Grandma’s, because you know Grandma is going to make you put the ornaments on the tree exactly the way she wants them, and she’s going to tell a 15-minute story about every ornament. You cannot put the ornament where you want, you can only put it where she wants. And you have to listen to each story. If not, she is upset.
- Christmas Cookie Baking Tradition: Or you go to your dad’s new girlfriend’s house where they have a tradition of decorating cookies. But you can’t just decorate the cookies the way you want, you have to do it the way that the family’s been doing it for the last 50 years.
- Proper Holiday Attire: Or you have to go to the country club all dressed up in clothes that you hate to wear. You feel strangled, uncomfortable, out of place, but you must do it because it’s the family tradition.
- Holiday Game Tradition: Or you want to play Monopoly but the family tradition is playing Pictionary, and God forbid you mess with family tradition.
So here’s a really easy way of dealing with doing family activities that you really don’t want to do.
Because the reality is, it doesn’t feel like it’s your choice.
Right?
It feels like they’re making you do it.
But what is your other option?
I work with clients on this all the time. So stay with me. I’m going to use an example and you can follow along with whatever it is that’s going on for you.
Take any of the examples above, pretend that it’s you. Ask yourself what is so terrible about doing the family activity you do not want to do.
And many of the examples I gave, the client is feeling controlled.
Feeling controlled feels like a lack of Freedom. Nobody wants to feel controlled. It's a terrible feeling. We try to avoid it at all costs. Click To Tweet(The funny thing to me is that most of these clients will try to control the environment in order to make themselves feel better. Which is what the people in their family have taught them to do. Try to control everything. They don’t like it, yet they do it! Welcome to Being Human. Monkey see monkey do!)
What Happens If …
Then I like to ask my client, what would it feel like if you didn’t go decorate the tree, or make the Christmas cookies, or go to the country club?
Most people will say that they experience: not belonging, loneliness, abandoning their parents or family, or feeling selfish.
So put yourself in this position. This is where the mindset shift is.
Would you rather feel controlled and not free, or would you rather abandon your family, feel like you don't belong, and be selfish? Click To TweetThis is where your power is.
Power truly comes down to you having choice. If you feel that you have a choice, you have your power back.
If you feel like you’re being forced to go to the country club or grandma’s or your dad’s girlfriend’s house, you feel powerless.
How to Survive the Holidays: Staying in Your Power
But if you decide that you would rather feel controlled for a few hours, instead of abandon your family and feel selfish, now all of the sudden it’s in your power!
You have power because you’re making a choice for yourself.
Because you feel good about what you’re doing.
You feel good that you’ve decided to do what your family wants, although perhaps it wouldn’t be your first choice. But now you feel like you have control and power, because you are the one who made the choice.
When I’m teaching parents about parenting, this is one of the top most important concepts to understand.
If your child feels controlled by you, they won’t want to do what you want them to do.
But if you give them choices, and they are the one who makes the choice, then they feel empowered to do what they want to. (Which is really what you want them to do.)
Your Inner Child Needs Your Help
Your inner child is feeling a power struggle. Your inner child is feeling powerless. You get to teach your inner child to have choices. Just like you teach your children that they have choices.
Life is full of choices and decisions.
It’s very empowering to know how to make a decision that’s in your best interest.
When someone else makes all the decisions for you, not only do you feel powerless and controlled, but you do not know how to manage your own life. I’m sure you don’t want to be doing that to yourself or your children
Switch your mindset from miserable
Mindset is everything. If you feel like you are the one making a choice about going to the holiday festivities, then you don’t feel powerless. You feel like you’re in charge of your life. It’s a simple switch in mindset. Your whole life can change when you change your mindset.
One more bonus TIP
Instead of focusing on what you're doing right or wrong, are focusing on what the family is doing wrong, instead focus on what you want to find. Click To TweetWe tend to focus on what we DON’T want to find.
For instance, I don’t want to find that my dad is controlling!
But guess what happens when I look for him being controlling!? That’s right, he’s controlling.
But if I look for how he’s being loving and supportive, I can absolutely find that as well.
On what are you focusing?
If you’re struggling with any of these Concepts please feel free to reach out to me during the holidays for support, or if you’d like to share, please leave a comment!
BONUS! 12 CHRISTMAS PRESENCE FROM HEATHER 🎁 (like the pun?)
We have started the 12 Days of Christmas Presence, if you’d like to get your presents now, please click here.
READ MORE FROM ME
Over the years, I have been a serial learner and practitioner, taking in information about psychology, religion, spirituality, science, medicine, quantum physics, relationships, parenting, and overall, general happiness and work-life balance. I’ve been fascinated in what it takes to and have created my life of pure joy, happiness, balance and peace. It is my mission to spread what I have learned and practiced to you in ways that are simple, easy to understand AND implement. I have served people in achieving realignment in their bodies, relationships and purpose for over 20 years. If you liked this article, and you want to read more, please visit one of the links below:
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Heather Hundhausen, a mind/body/spirit healer and facilitator, works with heart centered individuals who are ready to release their physical and emotional pain and reconnect their minds with their bodies so they can start living a life of passion and purpose. She assists people in making decisions in their lives by following their heart, mind, intuition and soul, from a place of being whole and in integrity.
With over fifteen years as a licensed massage therapist, Heather understands the connection between how someone's emotions can show up as physical pain. Using a variety of massage techniques, including neuromuscular therapy and structural realignment, she now does her ground breaking work by helping her clients to reach back through the pain and remember who they are to create wholeness and fullness.
During her years practicing traditional massage therapy, and while an intern working on her Masters Degree in Mental Health Counseling, she realized that people responded strongly when addressing their feelings and not just their thoughts. Working with this knowledge, she began to create an experiential environment for her clients, having them focus less on what they were thinking and more on what they were feeling. She discovered that when people began to release their emotions, they also released their physical pain. Heather is now passionate about helping people do just this so they hear their inner voice and then act upon their intuition so they create a new physical, mental and emotional life for themselves.
Heather’s authenticity, integrity, honor, commitment to her clients, and ability to create trust ensures that client's have a safe space to experience the exploration and release of their pain. Her clients say she is skilled at spiritual and emotional healing and is a great partner to have on the journey to contentment. As one particular client stated, “She opened my heart so the grief could emerge and then joy was able to fill that space.”
Heather is a popular speaker and workshop leader and facilitator, with one of her most popular workshops, “Connect on Purpose: Interpreting Your Body's Signals for Greater Wisdom and Empowerment” helping guide people to live their purpose, which Heather describes as “being able to take your talents and gifts and put them into action.” She is currently authoring a book and developing additional workshops, including a meditation group.
A licensed massage therapist, specializing in Thai Massage, Neuromuscular Therapy and Myo-skeletal Alignment Technique, she has a Masters Degree in Mental Health Counseling, is certified in Redirecting Children’s Behavior as a facilitator and coach.
