Don’t just say I am sorry … I had the opportunity to be in relationship with 3 (of the most important in my life) people yesterday who “let me down.”
When Somebody Says “I Am Sorry” and Then …
… Takes Immediate Responsibility.
They said I am sorry. Said they would do it differently next time. Made agreements with me. Hugged me. Wow. It was a spectacular feeling. Although they made a BIG mistake, I felt closer to them.
… Defends Themselves.
They kept trying to convince me what they did right and I did wrong. I ended up just putting my head in my hands, feeling unheard and defeated. I tried again, and asked them to see it from my perspective. And then I saw from theirs. And we cried. We were both scared.
… Skips Right Over It Like It Didn’t Happen.
Basically they said “oh shit” when they realized I was hurt and then moved on. I wasn’t willing to NOT speak that I was hurt (the way I used to… I used to just go along to not hurt them. If I was hurt, that was ok. But I love myself now. And I’m not willing to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t care if they hurt me. With someone who only cares if I take care of them. No way. No more).
So I said how I felt. Hurt, sad, angry, alone. And it took a few tries. And I was persistent. I stood up for myself. I wasn’t going to be ignored or left alone. I can speak up for myself. (I ruined my marriage by not speaking up. For not saying “I’m hurt and lonely.”) I’m not willing to leave myself out anymore.
When this person finally got that I was hurting, they shared their shame. Their feelings of insecurity and not enough that they couldn’t do for me what I needed. That made me immediately drop my walls and connect. I realized they did what they did to protect themselves. I was able to understand what was going on for them too.
It’s mutual understanding and respect for each other’s feelings and experiences. No one is right. No one is wrong. Both are valid. Both make sense.
It takes time folks. It takes sitting in painful feelings. It takes crying together. Admitting we are wrong. Listening to a point that’s different from yours.
And understanding that truly… That person’s feelings are not YOUR FAULT.
These 3 people didn’t HURT ME. They broke spoken and unspoken relationship agreements with me. But not one, absolutely none of them, did anything to HURT me. None of them were thinking “Ohhh… I know how to hurt Heather!! I’ll do this!” But sometimes we approach people with that accusatory tone, intention or words. And they get defensive.
- One was listening to another authority figure.
- One was scared and panicked.
- And one felt ashamed of themselves and protected themselves.
I can have compassion for all of that.
Instead of accusing each one… I just said, “Hey. I’m not ok.” Until each one listened. “Hey, I need to be heard. I need to do this differently. Are you willing?”
And they were all able to hear me, connect, love deeply, feel with me, understand. And I made sure to do that too.
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Over the years, I have been a serial learner and practitioner, taking in information about psychology, religion, spirituality, science, medicine, quantum physics, relationships, parenting, and overall, general happiness and work-life balance. I’ve been fascinated in what it takes to and have created my life of pure joy, happiness, balance and peace. It is my mission to spread what I have learned and practiced to you in ways that are simple, easy to understand AND implement. I have served people in achieving realignment in their bodies, relationships and purpose for over 20 years. If you liked this article, and you want to read more, please visit one of the links below:
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