Don’t just say I am sorry … I had the opportunity to be in relationship with 3 (of the most important in my life) people yesterday who “let me down.”
When Somebody Says “I Am Sorry” and Then …
… Takes Immediate Responsibility.
They said I am sorry. Said they would do it differently next time. Made agreements with me. Hugged me. Wow. It was a spectacular feeling. Although they made a BIG mistake, I felt closer to them.
… Defends Themselves.
They kept trying to convince me what they did right and I did wrong. I ended up just putting my head in my hands, feeling unheard and defeated. I tried again, and asked them to see it from my perspective. And then I saw from theirs. And we cried. We were both scared.
… Skips Right Over It Like It Didn’t Happen.
Basically they said “oh shit” when they realized I was hurt and then moved on. I wasn’t willing to NOT speak that I was hurt (the way I used to… I used to just go along to not hurt them. If I was hurt, that was ok. But I love myself now. And I’m not willing to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t care if they hurt me. With someone who only cares if I take care of them. No way. No more).
So I said how I felt. Hurt, sad, angry, alone. And it took a few tries. And I was persistent. I stood up for myself. I wasn’t going to be ignored or left alone. I can speak up for myself. (I ruined my marriage by not speaking up. For not saying “I’m hurt and lonely.”) I’m not willing to leave myself out anymore.
When this person finally got that I was hurting, they shared their shame. Their feelings of insecurity and not enough that they couldn’t do for me what I needed. That made me immediately drop my walls and connect. I realized they did what they did to protect themselves. I was able to understand what was going on for them too.
It’s mutual understanding and respect for each other’s feelings and experiences. No one is right. No one is wrong. Both are valid. Both make sense.
Are we taking time to really listen to each other? To really FEEL ourselves and each other? Click To Tweet
It takes time folks. It takes sitting in painful feelings. It takes crying together. Admitting we are wrong. Listening to a point that’s different from yours.
And understanding that truly… That person’s feelings are not YOUR FAULT.
These 3 people didn’t HURT ME. They broke spoken and unspoken relationship agreements with me. But not one, absolutely none of them, did anything to HURT me. None of them were thinking “Ohhh… I know how to hurt Heather!! I’ll do this!” But sometimes we approach people with that accusatory tone, intention or words. And they get defensive.
- One was listening to another authority figure.
- One was scared and panicked.
- And one felt ashamed of themselves and protected themselves.
I can have compassion for all of that.
Instead of accusing each one… I just said, “Hey. I’m not ok.” Until each one listened. “Hey, I need to be heard. I need to do this differently. Are you willing?”
And they were all able to hear me, connect, love deeply, feel with me, understand. And I made sure to do that too.
READ MORE FROM ME
Over the years, I have been a serial learner and practitioner, taking in information about psychology, religion, spirituality, science, medicine, quantum physics, relationships, parenting, and overall, general happiness and work-life balance. I’ve been fascinated in what it takes to and have created my life of pure joy, happiness, balance and peace. It is my mission to spread what I have learned and practiced to you in ways that are simple, easy to understand AND implement. I have served people in achieving realignment in their bodies, relationships and purpose for over 20 years. If you liked this article, and you want to read more, please visit one of the links below:
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Heather Hundhausen, a mind/body/spirit healer and facilitator, works with heart centered individuals who are ready to release their physical and emotional pain and reconnect their minds with their bodies so they can start living a life of passion and purpose. She assists people in making decisions in their lives by following their heart, mind, intuition and soul, from a place of being whole and in integrity.
With over fifteen years as a licensed massage therapist, Heather understands the connection between how someone's emotions can show up as physical pain. Using a variety of massage techniques, including neuromuscular therapy and structural realignment, she now does her ground breaking work by helping her clients to reach back through the pain and remember who they are to create wholeness and fullness.
During her years practicing traditional massage therapy, and while an intern working on her Masters Degree in Mental Health Counseling, she realized that people responded strongly when addressing their feelings and not just their thoughts. Working with this knowledge, she began to create an experiential environment for her clients, having them focus less on what they were thinking and more on what they were feeling. She discovered that when people began to release their emotions, they also released their physical pain. Heather is now passionate about helping people do just this so they hear their inner voice and then act upon their intuition so they create a new physical, mental and emotional life for themselves.
Heather’s authenticity, integrity, honor, commitment to her clients, and ability to create trust ensures that client's have a safe space to experience the exploration and release of their pain. Her clients say she is skilled at spiritual and emotional healing and is a great partner to have on the journey to contentment. As one particular client stated, “She opened my heart so the grief could emerge and then joy was able to fill that space.”
Heather is a popular speaker and workshop leader and facilitator, with one of her most popular workshops, “Connect on Purpose: Interpreting Your Body's Signals for Greater Wisdom and Empowerment” helping guide people to live their purpose, which Heather describes as “being able to take your talents and gifts and put them into action.” She is currently authoring a book and developing additional workshops, including a meditation group.
A licensed massage therapist, specializing in Thai Massage, Neuromuscular Therapy and Myo-skeletal Alignment Technique, she has a Masters Degree in Mental Health Counseling, is certified in Redirecting Children’s Behavior as a facilitator and coach.
