And then the WORST thing happened. You hurt my feelings. Then it was the worst night. My feelings got SOO hurt… When I tried to share, what I was saying hurt my partner. Now we are BOTH hurt! No one can see or hear the other. We both feel unseen. Unheard. Not cared about. Defensive. Scared. We both shut down. I cry. You pull away. Hell on earth.
What happened and How Do You Repair This Kind of Mistake?
Keep reading…
I Heard Him Saying … He Heard Me Saying …
I gave my boyfriend something very special and sacred to me, and he can’t remember if we had experienced something like that together before. He was trying to say he couldn’t remember if we had done it. I heard him saying he remembered doing it, was it with me? I felt so hurt, not special, not important, and sad.
I Am Being Mean?
I tried to explain that to him, but all he heard was me being mean, saying I wished it hadn’t happened, and that he doesn’t love or care about me. That always triggers him because it hits one of his most valued beliefs, that he is a good guy, trustworthy, that he loves and cares about me deeply and would never do anything to hurt me.
You Hurt My Feelings … No, You Hurt MY Feelings
He’s trying to defend himself saying he wouldn’t hurt me… And I’m screaming and crying about getting hurt…
Sound familiar?
Shutting Down
Both people end up shutting down.
I could see it happening while it was happening and I kept trying to figure out how to “make it work.” I was so blinded by my own pain (and beliefs that were causing me pain) that I couldn’t see him in the moment. I only saw that he couldn’t see ME. And it hurt so badly.
You Hurt My Feelings and I Cannot Let It Go. Why?
I tried to “create” what I wanted. I knew not to be a victim. Earlier in the night, something happened that hurt and I just “let it go.” I was so proud of myself for that one. But this one… I couldn’t let go! Why not??
So I tried other tactics.
- I tried asking for what I needed.
- I tried sharing my feelings.
- I felt so out of control because nothing was working.
- I tried to keep feeling my feelings and stay open.
- I told myself the only thing I should control was my own reaction. I couldn’t control him. But it just made me cry so much more. I wanted to let the feelings pass through… But the more I felt them the more it hurt and the more I would then feel them… Ugh…
When I woke up at 6:30am (which, PS, I NEVER do) I got in the bath to meditate.
Blaze the Dragon Helped Me to See My Partner’s Side
I had a wonderful conversation in a self-imposed hypnosis with one of my main characters in my book, Blaze, the dragon. Blaze helped me see my boyfriend’s side.
Context Not Content
That this was about CONTEXT, not content. It was about not feeling heard or seen. It was about trying to share pain with someone and they make it about them… BINGO. That hit the nail on the head. I realized I couldn’t be in relationship like that again. That was my relationship with my father.
My Tools to Overcome Feeling Hurt
So I got out of the bath and made a list using all my tools.
- softened startup
- tell him how much he means to me and that this is about love and connection
- explain the whole dad thing, my fear of being in a relationship like that with an intimate partner, and how I turned him into my dad
- explain that it’s the context
- communicate the hurt about the gift I gave him.
I Am Sorry I Couldn’t Hear You
He called me in to the bed and he didn’t know that I had this whole big plan.
He said, “I’m sorry I couldn’t hear you last night I was so hurt by what you said. You’re special to me and I love you so much and when you said I didn’t care it hurt me so much I couldn’t hear you. I’m sorry.”
Wow! Yay!
Then I explained my stuff and mostly kept to the list. He did imago dialogue with me and repeated what I said and made sense of it and cried with me while I was feeling so sad and scared.
It was amazing and connecting.
I Felt Seen and Loved
I explained how I was so afraid that I was in a relationship with someone like OUR dads… Someone who is SO hurt by what WE say, that they cannot tolerate feeling that they somehow did something wrong…
We could both connect to that feeling so well because we had just lived through it. I said something that made my boyfriend feel like I was threatening the image he had of himself. He couldn’t stand for me to think that about him, it hurt too much, and the only way to deal with it was to defend himself and push me away.
I Get It
I get it. I’ve done that too. I hate being wrong. I want to be perfect. Especially to those I love the most. It’s so painful to think that someone you love thinks you’re trying to hurt them, or that you did hurt them. We try to justify our actions and say things like, “that’s just YOUR story! It’s not true!” We will freak out and defend ourselves to the bitter end because it’s just too painful to admit that we hurt someone. We’d rather just see ourselves as the good guy.
Wanting to Be The Good Guy
Well… That doesn’t work. We’re not always the good guy. We try very hard to be good. But sometimes we say or do things that others hear, from their filter, that really fucking hurts them. It really hurts. Like oooouuuuuwwwwwiiieeeeewwwwaahhhhhh.
I Am Sorry I Hurt You
And that pain, in that moment, is real and it matters. The very best course of action is “I’m sorry I hurt you. Tell me more. How does that hurt you? What do you believe? Etc…” Turn TOWARDS the person you love. Try to let go of your own self image.
I had done it at dinner earlier, so I knew it could be done… But I guess some wounds are too deep and painful… And it takes me time to see the “story” about who “I” am and why I’m so threatened by what you are saying about ME (separation).
Turning toward the person and asking to understand them creates connection.
.. But What About Me?
Worrying about ME creates disconnection. And all it takes is one person thinking “WHAT ABOUT ME” to cause the relationship to break.
Needless to say, after we both admitted we were wrong, hurt, sad and scared, that we both deeply loved and cared for each other, and that most of the hurt (as usual) was about being misunderstood, all was instantly forgiven.
What we did this morning takes time to learn. We are obviously not perfect at it. But we are so damn committed to making sure we stay connected.
It’s WORTH to feel the horrible, shitty feelings, in order to stay close and connected.
You Hurt My Feelings and We Still Stay Connected
I know this path isn’t for everyone. Some couples or people are much happier avoiding the pain and staying in the disconnection. I know that’s not my truth and I can not longer stand being in a disconnected relationship. The pain of the dishonesty hurts more than the pain of knowing I have somehow hurt my partner, or my partner hurt me.
It’s all a façade. We both know that. It’s my perception and beliefs. And his… But in the moment, its real. Our feelings are indicators, telling us that something is out of harmony. That we want to be back to being connected and loving, seeing each other, listening and being close.
And the end result, connection and love, creates a chest opening, heart explosion of LIFE and power. It makes the wind and the sun feel better on my skin. It makes me sit up proud and confident in my body. I feel sexy and loved and desired and wanted by my man. I feel whole because I shared myself and allowed myself to be seen instead of hiding. I love myself. And I can then share that love with my beautiful, delicious, adorable partner.
READ MORE FROM ME
Over the years, I have been a serial learner and practitioner, taking in information about psychology, religion, spirituality, science, medicine, quantum physics, relationships, parenting, and overall, general happiness and work-life balance. I’ve been fascinated in what it takes to and have created my life of pure joy, happiness, balance and peace. It is my mission to spread what I have learned and practiced to you in ways that are simple, easy to understand AND implement. I have served people in achieving realignment in their bodies, relationships and purpose for over 20 years. If you liked this article, and you want to read more, please visit one of the links below:
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Heather Hundhausen, a mind/body/spirit healer and facilitator, works with heart centered individuals who are ready to release their physical and emotional pain and reconnect their minds with their bodies so they can start living a life of passion and purpose. She assists people in making decisions in their lives by following their heart, mind, intuition and soul, from a place of being whole and in integrity.
With over fifteen years as a licensed massage therapist, Heather understands the connection between how someone's emotions can show up as physical pain. Using a variety of massage techniques, including neuromuscular therapy and structural realignment, she now does her ground breaking work by helping her clients to reach back through the pain and remember who they are to create wholeness and fullness.
During her years practicing traditional massage therapy, and while an intern working on her Masters Degree in Mental Health Counseling, she realized that people responded strongly when addressing their feelings and not just their thoughts. Working with this knowledge, she began to create an experiential environment for her clients, having them focus less on what they were thinking and more on what they were feeling. She discovered that when people began to release their emotions, they also released their physical pain. Heather is now passionate about helping people do just this so they hear their inner voice and then act upon their intuition so they create a new physical, mental and emotional life for themselves.
Heather’s authenticity, integrity, honor, commitment to her clients, and ability to create trust ensures that client's have a safe space to experience the exploration and release of their pain. Her clients say she is skilled at spiritual and emotional healing and is a great partner to have on the journey to contentment. As one particular client stated, “She opened my heart so the grief could emerge and then joy was able to fill that space.”
Heather is a popular speaker and workshop leader and facilitator, with one of her most popular workshops, “Connect on Purpose: Interpreting Your Body's Signals for Greater Wisdom and Empowerment” helping guide people to live their purpose, which Heather describes as “being able to take your talents and gifts and put them into action.” She is currently authoring a book and developing additional workshops, including a meditation group.
A licensed massage therapist, specializing in Thai Massage, Neuromuscular Therapy and Myo-skeletal Alignment Technique, she has a Masters Degree in Mental Health Counseling, is certified in Redirecting Children’s Behavior as a facilitator and coach.
